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What is Coercive Control and Why Does It Matter?

Sun, 07 Jul 2024 07:00:00 GMT

What is Coercive Control?

With domestic violence reports on the news every week now, we’re hearing the term coercive control more often. Let’s be honest, some of us just aren’t sure about what it is and why it’s dangerous. Here we examine how it shows up, the impacts it can have, and how to get help.

Definition : Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate and manipulate another person. Unlike physical violence, coercive control can be insidious and harder to recognize, yet it is just as damaging. Coercive control can have profound psychological effects. It can lead to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and a loss of self-identity. This constant fear and manipulation can erode self-confidence and create a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

Maybe you’ve experienced coercive control in the past. Maybe you’re sensing some red flags right now. Or maybe you know someone that you’re worried about. By increasing our awareness about what coercive control is, how it affects us, and how we can recognise it, we can be part of the movement to end it.

It’s A Crime

From July 1 2024, in NSW coercive control (within an intimate partner relationship) is now a criminal offence. If convicted, abusers can face up to 7 years imprisonment. This has been legislated in an effort to reduce the number of homicides resulting from domestic violence. NSW Police state that in 97% of the cases of domestic violence related homicides, coercive control was experienced by victims before they were killed. Hopefully other states across Australia will be heading in the same direction soon.

What Behaviours Constitute Coercive Control?

Coercive control involves a range of behaviours aimed at making a person dependent on their abuser. This may be by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence, and regulating their everyday behaviour. It can show up in various forms, including:

Isolation : Limiting contact with family and friends.
Monitoring : Constant surveillance of activities, communications, and whereabouts.
Manipulation : Using guilt, threats, or deception to control.
Financial Control : Restricting access to money and financial independence.
Emotional Abuse : Undermining self-esteem, inducing fear, or playing mind games.

How Do You Recognise Coercive Control?

The challenge with recognizing coercive control is that it can involve very subtle and covert behaviours that might not be perceived as harmful by those outside the relationship. Only those who are experiencing coercive control understand the damage that is inflicted by this constant and targeted manipulation over time. Identifying coercive control can be difficult as it often starts very subtly but escalates over time. Here are some signs to look out for:

Excessive Jealousy : Your partner is overly suspicious or accusatory without reason.
Constant Criticism : They criticize or belittle you regularly, making you doubt your worth.
Isolation : They discourage or prevent you from seeing friends or family.
Gaslighting : They make you question your reality or memories. They say you are crazy.
Control Over Daily Life : They dictate what you wear, where you go, or who you see.
Threats and Intimidation : They use threats or intimidate you to get their way.

What’s the Impact of Coercive Control?

Coercive control often leaves invisible scars. Unlike physical abuse, which can leave visible marks, coercive control is a destructive form of abuse that chips away at a person's sense of self, autonomy, and dignity. Below are some of its major impacts.

Psychological and Emotional Impact:

Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse that can lead to severe mental health issues. We can often experience anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and a pervasive sense of fear. This constant manipulation and control can lead to:

Chronic Anxiety and Hypervigilance : We can live in a state of constant alertness, always anticipating the next controlling behaviour or outburst. This chronic stress can also lead to long-term health issues including insomnia, digestive problems, and cardiovascular disease.

Depression and Hopelessness : The relentless erosion of our self-worth can result in deep, persistent depression. We can often feel trapped and powerless, believing there is no escape from our abuser's control.

Loss of Identity and Self-Esteem : Coercive control systematically dismantles our sense of self. We may feel we have lost our identity, becoming merely an extension of our abuser's will. This loss can be overwhelmingly disorienting and damaging, making it difficult for us to reclaim our lives even after the abuse has ended.

(Read more about "How Does Abuse Affect Mental Health" by clicking here .)

Social Isolation

One of the most sinister aspects of coercive control is the deliberate isolation from friends, family, and support networks. This isolation serves to increase the our dependence on the abuser and diminishes our ability to seek help. Over time, we may feel completely cut off from the outside world, with no one to turn to for support or validation.

Economic Abuse and Dependence

Coercive control often includes economic abuse, where the abuser exerts control over all our financial resources. This can include restricting access to money, restricting us from working, or closely monitoring our spending. The result is a state of financial dependence that makes it exceedingly difficult for us to leave the relationship. Economic abuse not only strips away financial independence but also further entrenches our feeling of helplessness and entrapment.

Impact on Children:

Children who grow up in environments where coercive control is present are also deeply affected. They may experience:

Emotional and Behavioural Issues : Children in these environments often exhibit anxiety, depression, and behavioural problems. They may struggle with anger, withdrawal, or acting out in school and other social settings.

Normalization of Abuse : Witnessing coercive control can lead children to believe that such behaviors are normal in relationships. This can perpetuate a cycle of abuse, as they may either become abusers or victims in their future relationships.

Developmental Challenges : The stress and instability caused by living under coercive control can hinder a child's cognitive and emotional development, impacting their performance in school and their ability to form healthy relationships.

Long-term Effects:

The long-term effects of coercive control can linger long after the abusive relationship has ended. Survivors often face a long road to recovery, which may include:

Rebuilding Trust : After enduring manipulation and betrayal, survivors may find it challenging to trust others, even those who genuinely care about them.

Restoring Autonomy : Regaining a sense of autonomy and independence is a crucial part of recovery. Survivors need to relearn how to make decisions for themselves and regain control over their own lives.

Healing Psychological Wounds : Therapy is often necessary to address the deep psychological wounds inflicted by coercive control. This healing process can be lengthy and requires a supportive, empathetic approach to help survivors rebuild their self-esteem and sense of worth.

What Can You Do If You Suspect Your

Being Coercively Controlled?

Trust Your Instincts : If something feels wrong, it probably is. Trust your gut feelings.

Reach Out for Support : Talk to trusted friends, family, a professional counsellor, or support organisations. Try to build yourself a support network of people you can trust that can offer emotional support and practical help if needed. This is so important when feeling alone.

Document Everything : Keep a record of any incidents or behaviours that make you feel uncomfortable or controlled. This documentation may be useful if you decide to seek legal or professional assistance. Keep a record of incidents, including dates, times, and details.

Educate Yourself : Learn more about coercive control and its impacts. Organisations like domestic violence shelters or hotlines can often provide resources and information.

Create a Safety Plan : This might include identifying safe spaces in the home, setting aside money, and planning how to exit the situation if necessary. If you decide to leave the relationship, plan ahead to ensure your safety. Organise a safe place to stay, arrange for financial support. Your counsellor or support organisation can assist you with safety planning.

NOTE: The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you decide to leave. This can escalate abusive behaviours and lead to violence. Speak to a professional about safety planning. Always call Police 000 if you feel you are in danger.

Legal Options : Research legal options available to you, such as obtaining a restraining order. Seek advice from a legal service who specializes in family law or domestic violence to understand your options and rights.

Seek Professional Help : A counsellor can provide support and help you develop strategies to regain control. Also see the support organisations below.

Where to get Help

You are not alone, and there are resources and professionals ready to support you 24/7. There are many services out there to help you. These include counselling and emotional support, legal advice, paid employment leave, and financial assistance, goods and services to help you leave the relationship if that is your decision. Reach out to one of the many Australian services to get support if you are experiencing coercive control:

1800RESPECT : National sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. Call 1800 737 732 (WebChat, SMS and video counselling also available)

Lifeline : Crisis support and suicide prevention services. Call 13 11 14.

Women's Legal Services : Free legal advice for women experiencing domestic violence. You may find it helpful to find out about your legal rights, AVOs (protection orders), separation/divorce processes, child custody matters, shared finances and assets, etc. Contact 1800RESPECT for contact numbers in your state.

Domestic Violence Crisis Service : These services provide crisis intervention and support services such as accommodation, case management, court support etc. Contact 1800RESPECT

Professional Counselling : Therapy gives you a safe space to share what's happening, deal with the trauma go through some safety planning, and focus on a way forward.

In The End

Coercive control is a serious issue that affects many women across Australia. Remember, no one deserves to live under the shadow of control and manipulation. Your freedom, autonomy, and happiness are worth fighting for. Increasing awareness, recognising the signs, and understanding the impacts of coercive control are the first steps toward reclaiming your independence and well-being.

Know that you are not alone, and there are support services and professionals ready to help you through this. If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, take a courageous step and reach out for help – you deserve a better life where you can feel safe, happy and free.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Is Everyone Having More Fun Than Me?

Sun, 03 Mar 2024 06:35:14 GMT

Is Everyone Having More Fun

Than Me?

Have you ever spent your Saturday night sprawled out on the couch in your jammies, munching on Doritos and mindlessly clicking the remote control? Perhaps the question entered your mind – Why aren’t I out having fun like everyone else in the world? You’re not alone in feeling this way. Sadly, many of us have come to believe that the whole world (except us) is enjoying a fulling life jammed packed with parties, fun, music, dinners with friends and crazy adventures. The truth is … sometimes some people do get out and about, but that’s sometimes, and that’s some people. The world’s population isn’t as social and fun loving as we’ve been led to believe. You and I may in fact be the norm.

This phenomenon, often related to "FOMO" (Fear Of Missing Out), is a persistent feeling that many of us experience at one time or another. We’ve come to believe the illusion of constant fun in the lives of others. It’s a manufactured reality. But why do we believe that others are having a better time than us?

Why Do We Think Others Have More Fun?

From a psychological perspective, several factors contribute to this perception:

Self Comparison:

One factor contributing to our negative evaluations of our social lives could be our tendency to compare ourselves, not against a typical cross-section of the population, but against the most readily available examples – social media and television.

Selective social media sharing plays a significant role in our distorted perception. People tend to create their online personas, carefully selecting the moments they share with the world. (They’re not going to post about eating those Doritos on the couch on Saturday night are they?) As a result, our social media feeds are filled with highlights - exciting vacations, lively parties, and happy gatherings. We see the polished end product without witnessing the mundane moments, struggles, or challenges that accompany them. Consequently, we compare our everyday lives, with all their complexities and drudgery, to the carefully crafted highlight reels of others. It’s not surprising we are led to believe that others are living more exciting and fulfilling lives than we are.

Availability Bias:

This is a mental shortcut that our brains regularly use. It causes us to rely on immediately recalled examples that come to mind when we’re evaluating something – rather than studying all the data to make our decisions. It’s about our tendency to rely on readily available information when making judgments instead of all the information that we should be considering. When we see vivid and frequent posts or images of others enjoying themselves, these images become easily accessible in our minds. As a result, we tend to overestimate the prevalence of such experiences occurring to others. And of course, we underestimate the frequency of our own fun moments. It's like constantly seeing advertisements for that Super Dooper Magic Mop – we then begin to believe that everyone else is using it and we’re missing out!

Social Comparison Theory:

This theory suggests that we all naturally evaluate ourselves by comparing our abilities, opinions, and attributes to those of others. However, these comparisons are not always accurate or fair. We often compare our own behind-the-scenes struggles with the selective and edited images others want us to see of them and their lives. This leads us to feelings of inadequacy and envy. On top of that, we may selectively compare ourselves to people who appear to have it all – those with money, career, love, popularity, and success – while ignoring the fact that everyone faces their own challenges and insecurities – even those who look perfect on the outside.

Need for Connection:

Our instinctive desire for social connection and belonging intensifies the belief that others are having more fun than us. We fear being left out or excluded from social events and experiences, so we’re hyper-focussed on activities and gatherings that we're not part of. This fear of exclusion amplifies our perception of how much others enjoy life and it deepens our own feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

Societal Norms:

We all have internalized societal or cultural norms regarding what constitutes a fulfilling or successful life. Messages from media, advertising, and peer groups often emphasize the importance of wealth, popularity, and achievement in defining happiness. As a result, we may feel pressure to measure up to these unrealistic standards, leading to feelings of disappointment or self-doubt when we perceive ourselves as falling short. Even though (through experience) you don’t enjoy camping, you might also feel that this is fun others are having and you’re missing out on.

Life Experience:

Past experiences or unresolved issues may contribute to our belief that we’re not having as much fun as others. Traumatic events, chronic stress, or interpersonal conflicts can diminish our ability to experience joy or engage in fun activities. Some of us may also struggle with underlying mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, which can dampen our mood and affect our capacity for enjoyment. This can result in us feeling we don’t have as much fun as others, even though we may be doing the same things.

What ever factor is behind our feelings of inadequacy, it's essential that we recognize that this perception is not reality. Social media presents an artificial often exaggerated version of reality, and comparing ourselves to others only fuels negative emotions. Instead, we should try to cultivate gratitude for the moments of joy and fulfillment that we experience in our lives, recognizing that everyone experiences both highs and lows.

In The End

The belief that others are having more fun than us is caused by a complex interplay of social media and entertainment influences, cognitive biases, social comparisons, cultural norms and past experiences. By understanding these psychological factors, we can lessen the impact of this type of FOMO. If we can stop making comparisons with others, we can learn to appreciate the uniqueness of our own journey and find greater contentment in the present moment. We also need to cultivate a healthier relationship with social media and focus on the awesomeness of our own experiences. Remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side - it's just a different shade.

Best Tip - Enjoy the fun times you’re having and forget about what everyone else is doing!

Life is short. Live it well.

To find out more about Depression Counselling click here . For Change Counselling click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

How To Find The Silver Lining In Negative Situations

Sun, 25 Feb 2024 06:00:00 GMT

How To Find The Silver Lining In Negative Situations

Often, we find ourselves trying to stay afloat in a turbulent sea of daily dramas. Some of us are constantly dealing with ongoing challenges, unsure whether we can rise above our disappointments or unexpected problems. It’s understandable that we can often struggle to see positives in the negative situations that come our way. Sure, finding the elusive silver lining isn’t always easy – but once you develop the skills to do it, you’ll enjoy lots more plain sailing.

The Benefits of Embracing the Bad Stuff

Research has shown that developing positivity, optimism and resilience can greatly benefit our physical and mental health. Acquiring these traits also helps us develop our coping muscles as we learn to navigate obstacles with more ease. Studies also suggest that embracing adversity can fuel our personal development and help us move outside our comfort zones to get more out of life. An interesting study in the US (“The Nun Study”) involved 180 nuns over a 60 year period. They found that those who experienced more positive emotions, lived 10 years longer than those who did not. When we extrapolate this research finding to include all of us, it looks pretty clear that we should try often to seek those silver linings when we can.

The Dark Cloud of Negativity Bias

Negativity bias is our inclination to focus on the negatives around us more than the positives. During our day we may have many good experiences, but our negativity bias can cause us to focus just on the one thing that happened that felt bad.

We might find ourselves remembering the insult that was said to us and ignoring the many compliments we received.
We might constantly dwell on the bad situations that happen to us instead of the happy ones.
When we receive new information, we find ourselves considering the negative aspects of it rather than zooming in on the positive pieces.
We can find ourselves ruminating on the little things, worrying about whether others have judged us negatively, and replaying any negative comments.

From time to time we’ve all done this. We get pulled into this trap and can find ourselves stuck. We all do it, but that doesn’t mean we should. Negativity bias is a practice we have unconsciously learnt that results in us directing our attention towards the negative. If we can consciously take steps to direct our attention towards the positive situations and feelings we experience, we can train ourselves to see silver linings and develop our ability to move past challenges.

Strategies for Finding the Positives

Finding the silver lining in negative situations isn't just about slapping on a fake smile and pretending everything's fine. From a psychological perspective, finding the positives involves several cognitive and emotional processes which all contribute to increasing our resilience and well-being. Try these strategies:

Finding Meaning:

Human beings have a natural tendency to search for meaning in our life experiences. Finding the meaning in a negative event can help us decrease its emotional impact on us and lead to personal growth. This can be done by reflecting on how the experience has helped us to shape our values in life and clarify our goals. The experience might give insight into our relationships, or provide ideas for overcoming similar challenges. The negative situation can be a tool to help us move forward in life. We can learn to accept each situation as something to help us learn, grow and become our best selves.

Cognitive Reframing:

This is all about the power of perspective. This technique involves shifting your view on a negative event to see it in a more positive light. Instead of dwelling on the drawbacks, focus on the potential benefits or lessons that you can learn from it. For example, if you didn't get that job you applied for, reframe it as an opportunity to explore other career paths, or view it as a great practice run for getting an even better job. Maybe you missed your bus and ended up having to walk to work – but celebrate the fact that you stumbled on a great new little café serving the best mocha latte you've ever tasted! Sometimes, life's detours lead us to unexpected treasures. Try to get a different angle on your negative so you can see that silver lining.

Practicing Gratitude:

Gratitude has been linked to numerous psychological benefits, including improved mood, resilience, decreased anxiety, better relationships and overall mental well-being. Even in difficult times, focusing on what we're grateful for can help us shift our attention away from negativity and build a more positive outlook. It can be helpful to keep a gratitude journal or simply take time each day to reflect on the things we appreciate.

Mindfulness and Acceptance:

Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment without judgment. Acceptance, on the other hand, involves acknowledging and allowing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences to be with us - without trying to change them. Combining mindfulness and acceptance can help us cope with negative emotions more effectively. If a situation cannot be changed, we need to come to terms with that, and put our energies into those things that we can change. Being accepting of what’s happened in a difficult situation can ultimately lead to greater peace of mind.

Seeking Support:

Support from others is always a helpful way to cope in times of adversity. Connecting with friends, family, or support groups can give us emotional validation, practical help, and a sense of belonging. But the best part of sharing our experiences with others, is that it can also help us gain new perspectives and we can learn that others might view the situation differently. Our support network may see a silver lining that we could not.

Self-Compassion:

Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially during the tough times. Instead of harsh self-criticism, we should all practice self-compassion by acknowledging our pain without judgment and offering ourselves words of encouragement and support. This compassionate approach can help us navigate negative experiences with greater resilience and with our self-esteem better intact. Know that what ever has happened, you did your best, your intentions are good, and you are a unique human being deserving of a good life.

Humour :

Let's not forget the importance of laughter in our lives. Humour has been scientifically proven to reduce stress, boost immunity, and strengthen social bonds. Of course, it’s often not easy to see the funny side of adversity, but if you try, something might come up for you. The next time you find yourself knee-deep in the muck of despair, ask yourself if there’s anything funny about the situation? It might be the absolute irony or ridiculousness of what’s happened. Maybe just take a step back for a minute and see it as an observer. Having a little giggle about it will lessen it’s hold on you. If you can laugh uncontrollably – you’ll feel an awful lot better!

In The End

We all get caught up in seeing the negatives sometimes. Learning to find the good side of something bad isn’t always easy, but it’s a skill that can be developed and will bring us greater joy in life long term. Finding the positives in negative situations isn't just about wearing rose-tinted glasses or avoiding the reality. It's about embracing the chaos, flipping it on its head, and discovering the hidden treasures lurking beneath the surface. Life’s journey is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, twists and turns, but it's how we choose to navigate the ride that defines our experience. So, strap yourself in, hold on tight, and don't forget to scream with delight—it's all part of the wonderful adventure!

Life is short. Live it well.

To find out more about Depression Counselling click here . For Change Counselling click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

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Can I Change Who I Am?

Sun, 18 Feb 2024 06:00:00 GMT

Can I Change Who I Am?

We all love a story about an ugly duckling who goes through a magical transformation and turns into the beautiful swan; a frog turns into a handsome prince, a caterpillar into a butterfly. We love to believe in the magic of personal transformation! Well, that's what we're talking about here - except we're not waiting for some fairy godmother to come along and wave a wand. Nope, we're taking matters into our own hands and rewriting our own stories, one quirky chapter at a time.

Can we change our Personality?

Historically psychologists believed that major personality makeovers were as rare as finding a unicorn in your backyard. But guess what? Turns out, change is not only possible, but also totally doable. We're talking about tweaking those little habits, those quirky peculiarities we all have, until we become the heroes and heroines of our own narratives.

So, forget what you've heard about being stuck with your personality like it's some kind of genetic tattoo. Positive psychologists have been digging deep into the treasure trove of human potential and uncovering some seriously interesting stuff. They've identified 24 character strengths—like integrity, loyalty, kindness—and they're learning that these qualities aren't just reserved for the chosen few. Nope, they're traits and habits that anyone can learn and develop, like mastering a new dance move or perfecting your avocado toast recipe.

With this in mind we may be able go from being the introverted wall flower at the party, to the one swinging from the chandelier; the geeky rejected kid at school that becomes the CEO of an international corporation; we might grow from what we felt ashamed of being – into living the type of life we value most. Consider personality change to be like upgrading your operating system. It will take time and effort, but eventually you'll be running on a whole new level.

Some personality traits are easier to develop than others. Interestingly, psychology tells us that to develop more joy and passion in our life, we need to ensure we have feelings of sadness, anxiety, and fear at times. For example, it’s by experiencing sadness that we realise and develop gratitude for the wonders of joyful moments. We need comparisons so we can appreciate and be grateful for the positives we experience in life.

Making Changes

Of course we all have some predisposed biological factors that are wired in, but some transformative change is possible if we apply ourselves to the task and develop new habits and thinking. (Those lacking patience need not apply.) For example, although you may be aware that you’ve spent your life as an introvert, if you act and behave in ways that mimic an extravert, this new behaviour can become routine for you over time. You may even start to get comfortable with it, and the more comfortable you get, the more you’ll be encouraged to do more. Strictly speaking you may not now be an “extrovert” – but if you’re behaving like one, other people think you’re one, and you feel good about it – I think we can call that success! There really is truth in “Fake it until you make it”!

Planning Your Future

To change who you are you need to know who you want to be. This is where we start the process. Imagine the future you want to have. Plan out how you are going to get from where you are now – to where you want to be. Detail the steps, research where you need to. The more specifics you have, the more you are focusing on achievement, and the more chance you have of success. Make sure you incorporate small steps. Don’t expect to go from desperate and dateless to Don Juan with just a couple of actions. You need logical, specific, reasonable and appropriate small steps that will result in your desired outcome. As each of these little steps are achieved, you build positivity, optimism, and enthusiasm for the next step. With a road map in front of you, you are developing a mindset to reach your goal .

Being Passionate

It’s also necessary that you are passionate about who you want to be. Take time to identify your values, what’s important to you and how you want to show up in this world. If the passion is there, if you burn to become something more, the more you’ll become absorbed by it and develop the skills and mastery to make positive change.

Maybe the change that you are passionate about is the thing that scares you the most. But it will also be the thing that you find most fulfilling in life. It's all about flexing those courage muscles, despite how scared you might feel along the way. You don’t have to aim to be the Prime Minister or find a cure for cancer. It can be something on a much smaller scale that gives you that feeling of success and pride in yourself.

Developing Your Optimism

Do you ever spend time with an optimist and wonder how they do it? Do you wish you could be just like them – positive and enthused, even when faced with adversity and loss? Studies have shown that optimism can be learned. It’s a cognitive habit we can develop. And that’s a very good idea because research also shows that those with optimism have better relationships, are healthier, have more fulfilling careers and a greater sense of contentment with life.

Developing optimism isn’t about just pretending to be happy and cheerful, or repeating positive mantras. It’s about action. Those who experience optimism put their minds to activities that lead them towards their goals. They take action and are persistent in moving forward in life with a clear focus on their future. They don’t give up. When challenges arise, they find ways around them, through them and over them! It’s about turning a belief into a “knowing” that your life can be what you want.

It’s also important in developing optimism to recognise your achievements and the wins you have along the way. A pessimist will disregard any successes and focus only on the negatives and difficulties involved in achieving their goals. And as we all know – whatever you focus on gets BIGGER! By focusing on the positives we are training ourselves to achieve more.

In The End:

So … yes – we can change who we are. We first need to be clear and passionate about our goal and understand why we’re doing it. We can then make a detailed plan, develop optimism, and apply ourselves to the task, and be persistent in building new habits. It might be hard work, but the worthwhile things in life usually are. When it comes down to it, life's too short to stay stuck in the same old story, or in wanting positive change. So go ahead, take a deep breath, spread your wings, and let yourself soar. Who knows what magical adventures await?

Life is short. Live it well.

To find out more about Change Counselling click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Realising Life Is Short

Sun, 11 Feb 2024 06:00:00 GMT

Realising Life Is Short

At some stage in our life we’ve all heard someone say “life is short”. The common inference here is that we should make the most of our life while we can. The belief that life is short can have various psychological effects on us depending on how we interpret and internalize this idea. Here are a few ways it might influence us:

Sense of Urgency: Believing that life is short can create a sense of urgency to pursue our goals, take risks, and make the most of every moment. This can lead to a greater focus on achieving personal and professional aspirations and doing it immediately. It can inspire us and hasten our impulse to live with greater passion, purpose, and intentionality, guiding our behavior and shaping our thinking in profound ways. It can serve as a powerful reminder that we need to live authentically now! and make the most of the time we have.

Heightened Awareness of Mortality: We can become acutely aware of our own mortality and impermanence in this world. This awareness can be unsettling and may trigger intense fear or preoccupation with death, leading to persistent anxiety and intrusive thoughts about one's own mortality or that of loved ones. For some, confronting the inevitability of death can exacerbate feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair, potentially contributing to depressive symptoms.

Appreciation of Time: We might value our time more and prioritize activities and relationships that bring us joy and fulfillment. This can lead to more meaningful experiences and deeper connections with others. We might also realise how to better spend our time. When we become aware that our time is finite, we may regret wasting precious moments on trivial matters, distractions, or activities that didn't align with our values or bring us fulfillment. Hours of social media and tv binging might be behind us as we find ways to use our time with intent and purpose in the pursuit of life experience.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO): Some of us might experience anxiety or stress due to a fear of missing out on opportunities or life experiences that others have. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or a constant need to be busy and productive. Constantly seeking out new experiences to avoid missing out can lead to decreased satisfaction with our current circumstances. We may struggle to appreciate and enjoy the present moment because we're always looking for the next best thing.

Regrets : For some of us, the realisation that life is short can arouse feelings of regret about missed opportunities or choices we’ve made in the past. It can amplify buried regrets about not pursuing our dreams or goals. When we confront the reality of our limited time, we may regret not having taken more risks or seizing opportunities to pursue what truly matters to us. We may also regret actions or decisions that hurt or disappointed the ones we love, wishing we’d been more compassionate, understanding, or present in their lives.

Existential Anxiety: The awareness of our limited time can create pressure to find meaning and purpose in life before it's too late. "What's the meaning of life?" "Why am I here?" We may feel compelled to search for existential answers or to make significant life changes in an effort to find fulfillment and meaning in the time we have left. We may be forced to confront the apparent insignificance of our existence in this ginormous universe. Sadly, this may in some cases lead us to experience feelings of hopelessness, despair, or emotional turmoil as we confront the realities of life and death.

Increased Risk-Taking Behaviours: Believing that life is short can lead some of us to engage in risky behaviors or impulsive decision-making in an attempt to maximize our experiences and avoid regrets. Some examples would be engaging in extreme sports where we seek an adrenaline rush and push ourselves to our limits. Impulsive decision making can take place where we don’t consider the consequences of our actions. This might be quitting our job, or making risky financial investments in the hope of attaining financial freedom in a short amount of time. Some might turn to drugs or alcohol to seek temporary pleasure or excitement, even though this has potential risks. Promiscuous behaviour (eg. infidelity, unsafe sex etc) can also occur without concern for the consequences. Those in committed relationships might suddenly seek out other partners to broaden their sexual experiences. Some might avoid responsibilities or long term commitments as they prioritize their immediate desires and pleasures.

I t's important to note that while taking risks can sometimes lead to positive outcomes and personal growth, engaging in reckless behavior without considering the potential consequences can also result in harm to ourselves or others.

Motivation to Prioritize Relationships: Recognizing the shortness of life can motivate us to prioritize our relationships with loved ones and invest time and effort into nurturing these connections. Having a powerful reminder of the fragility and preciousness of life, prompts us to value and connect more deeply with those we care about. By focusing less on the quantity of social connections and more on the quality of our relationships, we may prioritize investing our time in deep, meaningful relationships with a select few people who enrich our lives and bring us joy.

Acceptance and Mindfulness: Some of us may use the realisation of life’s briefness to develop our acceptance and mindfulness skills, focusing on living in the present moment and finding contentment in everyday experiences. If life is short we are encouraged to savor the experiences, sensations, and beauty of the here and now, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. We might learn how to slow down and savor the experiences life has to offer, whether it's enjoying a coffee, taking a walk in nature, or spending time with those we love. By using acceptance and mindfulness we can cultivate a more non-judgmental awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, developing greater clarity, presence, and inner peace. We become less attached to material possessions, status, or external achievements. We become less concerned with conforming to societal expectations or seeking external validation, and instead we can focus on pursuing what truly matters to us.

Overall, the belief that life is short can have complex psychological implications on how we live the remainder of our lives. It can influence how we perceive and approach various aspects of day to day living and our level of satisfaction with the time that is remaining. We need to reflect on our thoughts and behaviours to make sure that, if life is short, we are taking care of ourselves, our loved ones, and that we are living in a way that aligns with our values.

In The End:

If life is short, it becomes vital that we live our best life, embracing each day with purpose and intentionality. This means prioritizing what truly matters to us, whether it's pursuing our passions, nurturing meaningful relationships, or contributing to the well-being of others and society. It means seizing opportunities for growth and personal development, stepping out of our comfort zones, and embracing new experiences with open arms. Living our best life involves cultivating gratitude for the present moment, savoring the beauty and wonder of everyday experiences, and finding joy in the simple pleasures of life. It also requires us to accept that life isn’t permanent. We need to let go of our regrets, forgive past mistakes, and focus on creating a future filled with purpose, fulfillment, and authentic connection. Ultimately, living our best life means honoring the precious gift of time we've been given and making the most of every moment, knowing that each day is a chance to live with passion, meaning, and joy.

Life is short. Live it well.

To find out more about Change Counselling click here , for help with A nxiety click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Life Isn't Fair - The Emotions We Feel

Sun, 04 Feb 2024 06:00:00 GMT

Life Isn't Fair - The Emotions We Feel

Isn’t it funny how we don’t notice when life is fair, but when we find life isn’t fair – it’s all we can think about! It’s upsetting, distressing, and sometimes just makes us mad! It’s important that we recognise the emotions that arise when we feel life hasn’t been fair to us. Try not to dismiss your feelings believing you have no right to them. Life isn’t fair and it’s ok to be upset sometimes. The secret is to recognise your feelings, acknowledge them, and then take action to move forward. Here we’re going to look at some of the emotions that we can experience when we feel we’ve been shortchanged in life.

The Emotions of Unfairness

The perception of life's fairness give’s rise to a range of feelings and reactions. Without doubt, emotions play a significant role in shaping our experience, and the responses we have to our situation. Below are some of the various emotional responses we can experience when feeling life has been unfair:

Sadness and Disappointment: Life's apparent lack of fairness can lead to feelings of sadness and disappointment. We can experience a sense of loss or unfulfilled expectations, especially when facing challenges or setbacks that seem unjust and wrong. This can make it very difficult to see the positives within the life we have, or recognise the wonderful things around us. The fact is that what we focus on will either make life seem wonderful – or miserable. So don’t focus on the one unfair thing that happened today – focus on all the great things that you experienced and made life worth living.

Frustration and Anger : Unfairness often triggers feelings of frustration and anger. When we perceive that we’re being treated unjustly, or when we witness inequality around us, a natural emotional response is anger towards the perceived injustice. Although this is a normal human response, it’s not worth being angry long term at this unfairness. The way forward is to tackle these obstacles head on. These challenges help us grow. We learn nothing from the easy path in life. So, while acknowledging that our feelings of frustration and anger are valid, we should also see this as an opportunity for self development and moving forward in life. (Remember - yelling at the ref doesn’t change the score.)

Hopelessness and Despair : Persistent experiences of unfairness, particularly when it comes to societal issues or long-term challenges, can contribute to our feelings of hopelessness and despair. The belief that the world is inherently unfair can lead us to a sense of powerlessness in life. “You can’t fight the system.” This may be true – but sometimes we need to stop looking at the big picture and focus on the little things around us. The destruction of rainforests is diabolical, but to watch a little seedling grow brings hope for a future. (Buy yourself a plant.)

Envy and Resentment : Comparisons with others who appear to have better opportunities or outcomes in life can often give rise to emotions like envy and resentment. These feelings can stem from a perception that others have advantages that are undeserved, while we (more deserving) have been passed over. (It’s interesting how we often compare ourselves with those that have more – not less.) Tip – if social media makes you feel bad – it’s ok to stop using it!

Gratitude and Contentment: Some of us, even in the face of adversity, may develop a sense of gratitude for the positive aspects of our lives. Focusing on gratitude can provide emotional resilience and contribute to a more positive emotional outlook. (If you played in the grand final and lost – at least you played in the grand final!)

Motivation for Change: Emotions of unfairness can also serve as a catalyst for positive action. Feelings of dissatisfaction with the status quo can motivate us to advocate for change, address social injustices, or work towards personal growth and improvement. We might feel compelled to take action in the hope of balancing the scales in life. We might join a political group, volunteer for a charity organisation or protest for radical change. If we all resolved to make positive change every time we felt life was unfair – the world could become a better place. Do your bit and know that you’ve made a positive contribution to the world.

Empathy and Compassion: Witnessing the struggles of others or recognizing societal inequalities can evoke feelings of empathy and compassion in us. We may feel a strong emotional connection to the plight of others and a desire to address this unfairness on someone else’s behalf. Our heart may go out to those that we see as experiencing unfairness.

We need to remind ourselves that human beings aren’t entitled to something just because we did all the right things. We can improve our odds in life by doing the right things, but sometimes life just isn't fair, and the universe doesn't owe us anything. Random things happen and part of life’s rollercoaster ride is to learn from challenges and come back bigger and better.

In The End:

Emotions play a crucial role in shaping our perceptions of fairness and they contribute greatly to our overall well-being. It's important to acknowledge and understand these emotional responses because they have a very strong influence on our thoughts and behaviors. Importantly, recognizing and validating these emotions can be a crucial step in coping with the challenges and uncertainties that life throws at us.

The plain truth is that life is random – not fair. Believing that it should be fair results in us having certain expectations that don’t always come to pass. The way to leading a more fulfilling and satisfying life is to let go of our expectations and deal with what’s right in front of us.

To find out more about Change Counselling click here , for help with Depression click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Life Isn't Fair!

Sun, 28 Jan 2024 06:30:00 GMT

Life Isn't Fair!

Many of us were brought up to believe that being a good person will lead to a good life. If we work hard - we’ll be successful, if we sacrifice for others – we’ll be rewarded, if we live a healthy life – we will live a long time. When life doesn’t turn out this way, we can find it very hard to accept. We feel cheated, and believe ourselves to be a victim of some kind of cosmic injustice.

We all buy into this illusion that life is a simple formula – being good leads to a good life. This gives us a sense of control. We believe if we do what’s right, we’ll be rewarded. The truth is that there is no scientific basis for this. There is no natural law to enforce it. Life is far more random and it’s never this simple. People don’t get what they deserve.

But whether life is fair or not, we’re all entitled to our own perspective. And that’s what it’s all about – how we view the situation. There are many factors that contribute to us seeing life as unfair. There are also psychological processes that determine how, and whether, we rise above or are destroyed by those things that just don’t seem fair to us.

Societal Factors Contributing to Perspectives of Unfairness

Whether life is or isn’t fair is subjective and often depends on our individual perspectives and values. Life, in it’s natural course, isn’t inherently designed to be fair or unfair. Life is based on a combination of random events, chance occurrences, our changing society, and the choices we make. Still, there are several factors that contribute to our perception of life being unfair:

Inequality : Disparities in wealth, opportunities, and resources can create a sense of unfairness. People born into different circumstances may face vastly different challenges and opportunities.

Randomness : Life is filled with unpredictable events and circumstances that are beyond our control. Natural disasters, accidents, and unexpected health issues can affect us randomly, leading to perceptions of unfairness.

Social Systems : Societal structures, such as economic and political systems, can contribute to unequal distribution of resources and opportunities. Discrimination, bias, and systemic issues can result in certain groups facing more obstacles than others.

Different Starting Points : Individuals start life with different advantages or disadvantages based on factors like family background, education, and geographical location. These starting points can significantly impact one's trajectory in life.

Differing Abilities and Circumstances : People have varying levels of abilities and face different life circumstances. Factors such as physical and mental health, intelligence, and personal support networks can influence outcomes.

Human Nature : As humans we can all exhibit less than perfect behaviors and make questionable choices that contribute to our perception of unfairness. Greed, corruption, and unethical actions can lead to inequality and injustice – if not for ourselves, for those we affect.

Philosophical Understandings : Philosophers throughout history have explored various perspectives on the fairness or unfairness of life. And these philosophical perspectives vary greatly. Eastern philosophies for example, such as Buddhism and Taoism, often focus on acceptance of the impermanence of life, and the importance of finding inner harmony. Here the concept of fairness can be viewed through the lens of karma or the natural order of existence. Conversely, philosophers addressing the problem of “evil” struggle with the apparent contradiction between the existence of suffering and the idea of a benevolent and omnipotent deity. “If there’s a God, why do bad things happen to good people?”

While life may not be inherently fair, societies strive to create systems that promote fairness, justice, and equal opportunities. However, achieving perfect fairness is a complex and ongoing challenge.

The Psychological Factors Behind Unfairness

From a psychological perspective, the perception of life's fairness or unfairness is influenced by our cognitive and emotional processes. Here are some psychological insights into why we might view life as unfair:

Cognitive Biases : Human cognition and reasoning is often vulnerable to various biases that can distort our perceptions of fairness. For example, many of us are brought up to believe that the world is inherently fair and that everyone should get what they deserve in life. When that doesn’t happen for us, it can lead to feelings of injustice.

Comparative Thinking : People often engage in social comparison, evaluating our own situation in relation to others. Social media has made this part of our daily lives! When we perceive disparities between our own circumstances and those of others, it can bring about feelings of unfairness. Social comparison can lead us to a focus on perceived inequalities and a sense of injustice takes over.

Attribution Theory : We all have a natural tendency to attribute causes to events that we experience. Often, we’ll attribute success to our personal efforts or skills. For example, if we’re on time for work, we attribute this to our quick actions in getting ready for work this morning. In contrast, if we experience misfortune, we might attribute it to external factors beyond our control. For example, if we’re late for work we might blame the trains for not running to schedule. This “Attribution Theory” means that if we believe that external factors are responsible for the negative outcomes we experience, it can result in us feeling a sense of unfairness.

Emotional Responses : Emotional reactions play a critical role in shaping perceptions of fairness. The way we feel about a situation can significantly influence how we interpret and react to events that we perceive as unjust. Anger, frustration, and resentment can arise when we feel that we’re being treated unfairly or when we observe imbalances in the world around us. Feelings of sadness and disappointment can exist if we feel the unfairness has led to personal setbacks or unmet expectations. Emotions can colour our overall perspective on life.

Social Identity and Inequality : Social identity theory suggests that we categorize ourselves and others into social groups, and this can influence perceptions of fairness. When people identify strongly with a particular group, and perceive that the group is disadvantaged, it can lead to a heightened sense of injustice.

Developmental Factors : Children develop a sense of fairness early in life through socialization and interactions with caregivers and role modelling. Experiences of fairness and unfairness during childhood can shape our worldview and influence our perceptions of fairness in adulthood. For example, if a child is brought up in a home where it’s parents believed life wasn’t fair, the child will grow up with the same belief.

These psychological factors demonstrate how complex our perception of unfairness can be. Understanding these cognitive and emotional processes can give us some insight into why we may have different perspectives on what is fair and unfair compared to others. Hopefully it also makes us more empathetic towards others and what they are experiencing.

In The End:

No – life isn’t fair. Sometimes it’s tough, it can be cruel and bad stuff happens when you least expect or deserve it. But it isn’t fair for everyone – which is … fair? We’re all in the same boat. It’s not just you who’s been singled out for an unfair life. Sometimes, shit just happens. The secret to finding more fairness in your world is to acknowledge it’s unpredictability and lawlessness. Change your perspective on what fairness is. Life constantly presents us all with opportunities for growth and to develop our resilience. It offers everyone the chance to learn, adapt, and overcome challenges. We’re all fairly given the potential to strive for our goals, regardless of our starting point or circumstances. And hopefully we’re all able to feel empathy and support others who feel equally that life isn’t fair.

To find out more about Change Counselling click here , for help with Depression click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health - Suicidal Thoughts

Sun, 21 Jan 2024 06:00:00 GMT

How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health - Suicidal Thoughts

An Australian research study in 2021 (HILDA) showed that one in five of us agree that we “often feel very lonely”. This is concerning given the association that has been identified between loneliness and an increased risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors. This association is often affected by individual, social and cultural factors. Of course, every person is different. Many people who have suicidal thoughts don’t experience loneliness, and many who are lonely never think about suicide. So why does loneliness sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts?

Over recent years the issue of loneliness has received an increase in attention worldwide. Both the U.K. and Japan now even have a “Minister for Loneliness” to address this troubling situation. Of course, Covid lockdowns across the globe lead to all of us being forced to isolate from others - but loneliness was being identified as a real issue prior to this. Sadly, but maybe not surprisingly, research has now shown that there is a correlation between loneliness and suicidal thoughts and behaviours in some people. There is some evidence that suggests this most often occurs in women 16-25 and those over 58. For most, there is also a great deal of stigma associated with loneliness and this is a major barrier to seeking help. Let’s face it – who wants to admit that they're lonely? Learning more about loneliness and suicide can help you, or show you how to help someone you know who is struggling.

Contributing Factors

Understandably, feeling isolated and disconnected from others can lead us to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. The presence of co-existing mental health issues, drug and alcohol use, as well as financial hardship can also play a role. It’s important to keep in mind that loneliness can be a significant factor, but it’s rarely the sole cause of suicidal thoughts. That being said, below are some identified aspects of loneliness that can contribute to us having thoughts about suicide:

Lack of Protective Factors: Those experiencing loneliness have reduced “protective factors” eg. social support, a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose, family, faith, community engagement, mental health access, work or school etc. These things provide us with a reason for living. Loneliness diminishes these protective factors, leaving us more vulnerable to suicidal ideation.

Emotional Pain : Loneliness can lead to profound emotional pain, which may become overwhelming for some. This sense of despair and hopelessness can play a significant role in the development of suicidal thoughts.

Biological Factors : Loneliness and social isolation have been associated with changes in the brain and body, including increased levels of stress hormones. These physiological changes may contribute to the development of mental health issues, including depression and suicidal thoughts.

Distorted Thinking and Problem Solving Ability: Loneliness can contribute to distorted thinking patterns, where we struggle to see alternatives or solutions to our problems. With an inability to focus and concentrate on paths to positive outcomes, we find it difficult to see beyond our current struggles. Our negativity bias may lead us to see only one solution. This cognitive distortion can make suicide seem like the only way out of the emotional pain of loneliness.

Feeling a Burden: When we’re lonely we may feel that, not only is our presence in the world not valued, but that we’re a burden to others. This perception can intensify our feelings of hopelessness and contribute to thoughts about relieving others of this supposed burden. Having the sense that no one cares about us can be shattering.

Lack of Coping Resources: Social connections often provide coping resources for when we face difficult life circumstances or emotional struggles. Loneliness means fewer coping resources exist for us. We may find our ability to think clearly, engage in a routine, maintain our physical health, regulate our emotions, or communicate with others about how we’re suffering - just isn’t possible. This makes it painfully hard to reach out to others for help when we need it. With limited coping resources and skills, it can be very challenging for us to manage our emotional distress and thoughts of suicide.

All these factors can contribute to the development of suicidal thoughts in relation to our loneliness. It’s important that we recognise when any of these risk factors are present so we can address them. Of critical importance is that we all know it’s okay to ask for help and that you are not alone. There is always someone that wants to listen and wants to help. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek assistance by contacting your healthcare professional, or calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 .

In The End:

At some stage in life, we all experience loneliness. It's in those solitary moments when we’re alone with ourselves that we can be led down dangerous paths. The most dangerous path for some can be suicidal thinking. But remember, if we do take the wrong path, we just need to get the hell out of there!

We also need to watch for those damaging thoughts that cause us to question our existence. Should we be here? Yes! We should be here! And we do belong somewhere. We just need to extend our hand to others, build genuine connections and rise out of this despair. Have hope and reach out – your life is waiting.

For immediate assistance Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 . To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , for help with Depression click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

The Relationship Between Loneliness and Depression

Sun, 14 Jan 2024 06:00:00 GMT

The Relationship Between Loneliness and Depression

Am I lonely or depressed — and does it even matter? The line between loneliness and depression can seem quite blurry. Does one cause the other? Are they interchangeable? How do I know which one I’ve got? Is one just a symptom of the other? Here we look at their similarities, differences, and the relationship between them. Whatever you’ve got – having greater awareness can only be a good thing.

Similarities between Loneliness and Depression

There can be similar feelings associated with both loneliness and depression so we may find it difficult to recognise where each is in play. Often they can have some of the same symptoms, making it difficult to distinguish between them. Here are some shared symptoms:

Feelings of Sadness : Both loneliness and depression often involve a pervasive sense of sadness or emptiness.

Isolation : Those with loneliness or depression may withdraw from social interactions and isolate themselves from others.

Changes in Sleep Patterns : Both conditions can lead to disruptions in sleep, including difficulties falling asleep, staying asleep, or oversleeping.

Fatigue : Feelings of exhaustion and low energy are common in both loneliness and depression.

Negative Thoughts : Persistent negative thoughts about oneself, life, and the future, are characteristic of both loneliness and depression.

Difficulty Concentrating : Individuals may find it challenging to concentrate or make decisions due to the cognitive impact of both conditions.

Loss of Interest or Pleasure : A diminished interest in activities that were once enjoyable is a common symptom of both loneliness and depression.

Changes in Appetite : Loneliness and depression can lead to changes in appetite, resulting in either increased or decreased food intake.

Differences between Loneliness and Depression

Here’s the big difference between loneliness and depression:

Loneliness - is a subjective transient feeling.

Depression - is a complex mental health condition.

Although loneliness may be uncomfortable, it’s a temporary emotional state directly linked to your desire for connection and belonging. Once these needs are fulfilled, your sense of loneliness will diminish.

In contrast, depression goes beyond the need for connection. For those experiencing depression, engaging in social interactions can provide a temporary distraction, but may not consistently alleviate the more complex challenges of depression. Even in the company of your partner or best friend, feelings of fatigue, emptiness, and difficulty socially engaging may persist. If left unaddressed the symptoms of depression can persist for extended periods, escalating in severity over time.

The Connection Between Loneliness and Depression

The connection between depression and loneliness is a brutal one: Depression can cause you to isolate yourself, and feeling lonely makes depression worse. Sadness is a very normal reaction that results from loneliness when we’re wanting to spend time with other people, but we’re not able to. So naturally this can lead to, or exacerbate, depression. This creates a vicious cycle, where loneliness and depression can reinforce each other. While loneliness alone may not always lead to depression, it does play a crucial role in influencing and intensifying depressive tendencies.

Loneliness feeds Depression - It’s important to acknowledge that loneliness is considered a significant psychological factor contributing to the development and worsening of depression. The absence of meaningful social connections, and the accompanying emotional support provided through personal relationships, can negatively affect our thinking. It can give rise to negative thought patterns, feelings of worthlessness, and distorted perceptions about our relationships with others. These are common elements associated with depression.

Connecting with others isn’t just an enjoyable way to pass the time. It’s a pretty important aspect of our well-being. Humans are naturally social creatures, and not getting enough social interaction can have a serious impact on our mental and physical health. Prolonged loneliness can also trigger stress responses in our brain and body. This can influence neurobiological processes and increase our vulnerability to depressive symptoms. With this in mind, developing social connections and maintaining emotional well-being becomes very important in how we approach and treat depression.

Depression feeds Loneliness - Depression affects our motivation to engage with others, making it even harder to ask for support. Having no interest in social interactions means you’re more hesitant about reaching out for help when you need it. Depression can cause you to experience feelings of worthlessness, guilt, or hold the belief that others have no interest in spending time with you. Depression can also take away your energy to initiate connections. And so the cycle continues.

In The End:

Determining the cause of our emotional distress is always a good first step toward managing unwanted feelings. So YES - it does matter whether you’re dealing with loneliness or depression. It’s important to understand the difference between them so that we can recognise what we have, and then use the most effective approach for improving our situation. Both may have some shared symptoms, but their causes, longevity and long-term effects can differ. They are very much connected although it’s also common to have one and not the other. For those that experience either, a vicious cycle can be created with both feeding off each other. This is a very real scenario and one that needs to be addressed. A range of different therapeutic approaches and interventions are available that can be used to work with these debilitating conditions, and positive outcomes are very much achievable. Firstly, we need to recognise the interconnectedness of these factors and their importance in our overall well-being.

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , for help with Depression click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

New Year - New Me?

Sun, 07 Jan 2024 06:12:55 GMT

New Year - New Me?

How’s that New Year’s resolution going? Every year we make promises to ourselves – promises that seem to become forgotten within the hustle and bustle of our daily lives and the return to our regular routines. Often, we have hopes that the New Year will bring a new beginning, a new me! But sadly, the positive changes we dreamt of, don’t materialize. Instead of the standard resolution this year, why not try one of the following 3 creative tools for getting more out of the New Year ahead. We introduce you to setting monthly growth goals, a reflective events calendar, and a scrapbooking adventure. Find the tool that grabs you … and stick to it for 12 months. Hopefully you’ll find it easier to stick to, enjoyable, and it will add something special to the next twelve months. (You can even try all three together for a full makeover!) Even if we don’t end up with a totally new me – we’ll be much happier with the “me” we’ve got! Happy New Year!

Tool 1 - Goal of the Month!

Tool 2 - Now That Yesterday Is Over ….

Do you ever sit down for a coffee and your friend says, “So what did you do on the weekend?" We usually end up saying “Nothin’ much”, or we bombard our poor friend with a list of grievances about what went wrong recently. And this is how we often view our lives – either as empty, or faulty. To find more positives in your life, try this activity for the next 12 months.

Directions:

Buy yourself a nice monthly wall calendar. Instead of writing up your future appointments or things to do, leave the calendar blank.
Then after each day has past (eg. 7pm the next day) ask yourself the following question: “Now that yesterday is over, what is really worth mentioning about it?”
Write on your calendar the thing about yesterday that was worth remembering, the thing that made you feel that life is worth living. Eg. Saw great concert, My 5yr old gave me flowers, Dinner with Mum, Got a goal at soccer, Beautiful moon, etc.
Below this write the value in life that this represents to you. (Below is list of common core values to help you.)
At the end of each month review your calendar. Think about the good things that happened in your life. You will also start to see the values that keep coming up that represent your motivations in life.

This tool allows you to seek out the things that matter in your life and ignore the meaningless aggravations that interrupt our days. After the day has past the emotional hold of annoyances dissipate and we can see what’s really important. At the end of the year, you have completed a study on yourself! You can look back and see all the wonderful, meaningful things that you’ve experienced each day. You’ve also learnt what your true-life values are so you can fill the following year with activities that align with these.

New Paragraph

TOOL 3 – A Year in Pictures

There’s been a lot of hype about the virtues of mindfulness and living in the present moment. But research also tells us that looking back at our happy memories helps us to maintain positive feelings and feel good about ourselves. Reminiscing has been shown to ward off depression, alleviate anxiety, and promote a feeling of general wellbeing. There are a range of different ways in which reminiscing can be used to extend the life of our happiest moments (well after they’ve passed). Give this one a try to create a wealth of positive memories that you can look back on at the end of each month, at years end, or even 20 years down the track! Each time you look back you’ll be reminded of what a great year you are having, and how good life is.

Directions:

Buy yourself a nice monthly wall calendar.
Each day write up any pleasurable activities, get togethers or situations that brought you fun, contentment, excitement, or joy.
Take happy snaps as you enjoy these life experiences. (At last, you can put all those selfies to good use!)
Keep any other mementoes that serve as reminders eg. tickets, brochures, notes, articles, magazine photos, etc.
Each month sit down and paste these photos and memory joggers onto the picture page of your wall calendar.
Look back each month at the wonderful visual reminder you have of your life as you experienced it.

This is a wonderful way to highlight what’s important to us in life. Our wall calendar becomes a visual scrapbook of the happiest and fondest memories we’ve experienced throughout the year. We can gain benefits not only when looking back and remembering, but also, while getting creative and putting together our collage of memories. By intentionally reliving our positive experiences, we find out what makes us feel alive, what fills us with joy, and what magically connects us to the world.

In The End:

We may all be looking for a New Year and a new me – but maybe we just need to see ourselves from a different perspective. Let’s find out what makes us light up inside so we can build and grow from that. Whether it’s planning out a year of monthly goals to focus on our relationship with the world, whether it’s identifying the things we do each day which are truly important to us and align with our values, or whether it’s giving ourselves the opportunity to celebrate and remember our daily happinesses, … there are many ways we can grow this year and discover the awesomeness of who we truly are.

Happy New Year - Happy New You!

To find out more about Change and Life Transition Counselling click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

New Year - Time for Change?

Sun, 31 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMT

New Year - Time for Change?

As we commence a new year, we often feel compelled to make a New Year’s resolution. Perhaps there’s something in our life we want to change, an area for improvement, or maybe we want a whole new life for ourselves. Whatever the reason, it seems to be required that we make a promise on New Year’s Eve that we are going change our lives in some way. Unfortunately, research on the effectiveness of New Year's resolutions suggests that many of us struggle to maintain our commitments over the long term. Here we look at why we don’t stick to our resolutions, and how we can instead make lasting change.

In The End:

We can all make positive changes in this New Year. But first we need to be sure what changes we want to make. We need to take action, even though we may not feel motivated to do so yet. Remember that change is uncomfortable but well worth it if we truly want to grow. We need to be aware that a planned set of small actions will lead us to the big results we’re looking for. Our past successes will show us that we are capable of making the changes we want – we have demonstrated our strength, resilience and determination before. We also need to appreciate the slip ups we may have along the way and see them as learning experiences that we can grow from. We can all change and live the life that we deserve – we just need to make a start!

Happy New Year - Happy New You!

To find out more about Change and Life Transition Counselling click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Coping With Christmas

Sun, 24 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Coping With Christmas

The holiday season is often considered a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. However, for many of us, the festive season can also bring stress, anxiety, and feelings of loneliness. If you're someone who finds Christmas challenging, know that you're not alone. Australian research studies show that the festive season is the most likely time for many of us to experience depression and anxiety. Data also shows that over 30% of us experience feelings of loneliness at Christmas. Let’s look at some helpful tips to get you through Christmas with your mind right and your vibes bright.

Practical Tips To Get You Through Christams

(2) Stop Beating Yourself Up!

Christmas is a time for peace, joy and kindness. That includes kindness to yourself. So often we are self critical and disparaging towards ourselves when we should be just as non-judgemental and accepting as we are to those around us. Stop telling yourself how bad you are and start appreciating what a wonderful human being you truly are! Speak to yourself as you would a small child, your best friend, or your mother. Would you constantly criticize them? You need to give yourself the gift of self compassion and recognise your own awesomeness!

(10) Reach Out for Support:

If we're feeling overwhelmed, we shouldn’t hesitate to reach out for support. Whether it's talking to a good friend, family member, or seeking out a professional - sharing our thoughts and feelings can provide relief during challenging times.

In The End:

As we plunge into the festive flurry of Christmas, let's remember that taking care of our mental health is what’s going to get us through this season's ups and downs. We can safe guard ourselves by always trying to connect with loved ones, embracing the inevitable imperfections, and dancing through the chaos of Christmas with an eye on our personal needs and boundaries. Christmas is not just about the glitter and gifts, it's about finding peace in our own hearts.

Here's to celebrating the season with resilience, gratitude, and our mental health intact. I hope you enjoy this holiday season and that it lights you brightly inside as much as it shines on the world around you.

Be kind to yourself and have a Merry Christmas!

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here . To find out more about addressing Anxiety click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Are You Feeling Lonely at Christmas?

Sun, 17 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Are You Feeling Lonely at Christmas?

Loneliness at Christmas time can be really tough. It’s the time of year that we often feel the loneliest. This can make it very difficult to deal with the world around us which appears to be a picture of fun, happiness, and excitement. We can feel left out, ignored, and isolated.

There are lots of reasons for being alone at this time of year. You might have relatives that live far away, a loved one may have died, or you may experience social anxiety and therefor don’t have close relationships with family or friends. There are also several psychological factors that contribute to why we may feel loneliness more acutely during this festive season compared to other times. Here are some possible reasons for heightened loneliness during the Christmas period:

Psychological Factors Contributing to Christmas Loneliness?

(2) Comparison with Others:

At Christmas, a large percentage of the population invest a great deal of time and energy into sharing all their “joyous” Christmas moments on social media. And then we spend a great deal of time and effort comparing our own lives with what we see. If you watch a little TV (even the ads) you see all the festive fanfare, everyone having fun and enjoying exciting parties and celebrations. It’s no wonder we feel a sense of inadequacy or loneliness in comparison. Christmas can amplify our feelings of not measuring up to society’s standards of happiness.

(5) Reflection on Accomplishments:

Christmas often sees us reflecting on the year gone by, our own personal growth, and achievements. If we feel we haven't made progress toward meaningful goals, or haven't contributed to something important, we might experience feelings of inadequacy. We might have the perception that we’re being left behind during a time when others are celebrating their successes. This can be very isolating.

In The End

Surrounded by the outside world’s twinkling fairy lights and the loud festive cheer of Christmas, loneliness often finds it’s way into the hearts of many of us. In the midst of worldwide Christmas merriment, the weight of our own personal struggles, unreasonable self-comparisons, and unfulfilled aspirations, our yearning for meaningful connections can greatly intensify our sense of loneliness. We can try to deny our solitude, but there’s no point really. The season's emphasis on togetherness and shared joy can feel like a constant reminder that we’re alone in this world.

It’s understandable that we feel this way, there are many forces contributing to this sense of isolation, and it’s natural that we’re struggling. Yet, in acknowledging the reasons we’re feeling lonely, we can better understand how to change this. As human beings we have an amazing ability to create change in our own lives. If you’re experiencing loneliness this Christmas, reflect on why this is the case, and make a plan to change it. We all have a need for human connection, and we all have an inner longing to be part of the world we live in. We just need to be kind to ourselves and to reach out to those around us. Merry Christmas.

If you’re experiencing loneliness at Christmas you’re not alone – millions of people in the world are probably having a very similar experience to you. Take it easy on yourself. Reach out for support if you need it. You WILL get through this. Go gently. Merry Christmas.

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Tis The Season - For Christmas Anxiety

Sun, 10 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMT

'Tis The Season -

For Christmas Anxiety

Yep – it’s nearly here. And for some it can be a time of festive dread. Christmas and the holiday season can definitely be a difficult time to navigate. Not only do we need to struggle through a myriad of celebrations and festivities going on around us, but there’s also an emotional toll Christmas can have on us that brings feelings of intense anxiety.

There’s a great big stocking full of reasons why we might experience Christmas anxiety; with so many things that can make us feel less than jolly. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons we might be feeling overwhelmed. Realising it’s normal to be triggered by some of these things might help you get through this festive season with a little less worry and a little more joy.

What's Behind Our Christmas Anxiety?

(10) Social Media Madness

Yes, social media can help us connect with family and friends. Maybe it can even help us build new relationships. Unfortunately, social media also adversely affects our SELF ESTEEM. This can be especially so at Christmas time. We are bombarded with happy snaps of people having the time of their lives! Everyone is happy, enjoying extravagant celebrations, looking like Hollywood stars as they engage in fun, romance, and riches. This all makes us feel a little bit …. less. We compare ourselves to doctored pictures of others, with their false and misleading perfect lives, and we criticize ourselves for falling short. We just don’t measure up to what is projected on our tiny screens.

(11) Seasonal Stress

Yes – Christmas can be the busiest and most demanding time of the year for some of us. It can feel like we’re being pulled in numerous directions all at once! There are increased work obligations, too many social invitations, the search for perfect presents, school events you promised to help out at, family obligations, lunches to cook, holidays to book, decorations to hang … Did anyone get the car serviced? Christmas can be chaos. With all that needs to get done – yes of course you’re STRESSED!

In The End

If you’re experiencing any Christmas anxiety you’re not alone – millions of people in the world are probably having a very similar experience to you. Take it easy on yourself. Reach out for support if you need it. You WILL get through this. Go gently. Merry Christmas.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health? Substance Abuse

Sun, 03 Dec 2023 09:30:00 GMT

How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health?

Substance Abuse

Our mental health is so closely tied to our sense of belonging and connection to others, that experiencing loneliness can have a great impact on our mental wellbeing. Here we look at one confronting aspect of our mental health that can become extremely challenging when dealing with loneliness. If left unaddressed, substance abuse can result from our loneliness and sense of despair. This can not only exacerbate our isolation, but can become a problematic behaviour that further diminishes our capacity to connect with the world.

Increased Substance Abuse

(1) Coping Mechanism : Loneliness often brings about feelings of emptiness, anxiety, and emotional distress. To cope with these overwhelming emotions, we may turn to substances such as alcohol or drugs or even food, as a means of dealing with those negative feelings. Substance use can provide temporary relief from the pain of isolation, creating a perceived escape from our emotional discomfort.

Cognitive Impairment

(4) Impaired Decision-Making : Loneliness can affect cognitive function, including decision-making abilities. Impaired judgment and reduced inhibition may increase the likelihood that we will engage in risky behaviors, including substance abuse, because we’re less able to weigh the potential consequences of our actions.

In The End

It's crucial we recognize the complex relationship between loneliness and substance abuse. We need to approach the issue with a clear understanding of the underlying factors and our reasons for using these addictive substances. As we struggle with the allure of drugs and alcohol to give us temporary relief, we need to be aware of the desperate hole of addiction that we can fall into. Interventions that address both the emotional aspects of loneliness, and the potential development of substance abuse, are essential for developing healthier coping mechanisms and breaking the cycle of loneliness and addiction . The great news is that when you know you're ready to make changes in your life - you're on your way to you're new future!

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here . To find out more about dealing with addictive behaviours click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health? Rumination and Cognitive Impairment

Sun, 26 Nov 2023 06:00:00 GMT

How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health?

Rumination & Cognitive Impairment

As social beings, our mental health is intricately entwined with the quality of our connections. Research shows that loneliness , when left unaddressed, becomes more than a solitary state - it becomes a path to a range of mental health issues. Here we look at two challenging aspects of our mental health that can become extremely problematic and can lead us deeper into loneliness. Rumination and cognitive impairment can co-exist with our loneliness and force us into further despair unless we take action.

Rumination

Cognitive Impairment

Chronic loneliness can affect cognitive function in various ways. Basically, it can impact our ability to think, reason, and make decisions. Here are some ways in which loneliness can influence cognitive function:

(1) Impaired Concentration : Loneliness can lead to difficulties in maintaining focus and concentration. We may find it challenging to concentrate on tasks, which can affect productivity and performance.

(2) Reduced Working Memory : Loneliness has been associated with reduced working memory capacity. Working memory is essential for holding and manipulating information temporarily, making it crucial for problem-solving and decision-making. It’s like having no RAM left on your computer.

It's important to note that the impact of loneliness on cognitive function can vary from person to person. While some individuals may experience significant cognitive challenges, others may have more resilience. One thing is sure. The more you understand the affects loneliness is having on you, the more you will begin to see there are ways to improve your situation.

In The End

Loneliness can dramatically affect our ability to think clearly and concentrate on the world around us. Excessive rumination and cognitive impairment can lead to us distancing ourselves even further from the community we long to be a part of. Recognizing and understanding the intricate web between loneliness and mental health is a beneficial step in moving forward. Increase self-awareness can pave the way to making meaningful connections with others, thereby breaking the chains of loneliness and offering hope for a brighter and more resilient mental future. We can build a life beyond loneliness.

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Can Loneliness Kill You?

Sun, 19 Nov 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Can Loneliness Kill You?

Sometimes it might feel like we’re going to die from our loneliness. Research suggests that chronic loneliness and social isolation can have detrimental effects on our health and well-being, potentially increasing the risk of mortality. While loneliness itself may not directly "kill" a person, it can contribute to various physical and mental health issues that, in turn, impact how long we live.

When if feels like you’re dying inside

The Research

It's important to note that while there is a growing body of research indicating the potential health risks associated with loneliness, individual experiences will vary. Additionally, the mechanisms linking loneliness to mortality are complex, involving a combination of physiological, psychological, and behavioral factors. Here are some findings from recent research on the relationship between loneliness and mortality:

(4) Mental Health Impact : Loneliness is linked to a range of mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety. Mental health issues, when persistent, can contribute to a decline in overall well-being and, in severe cases, may be associated with an increased risk of suicide.

In The End

Loneliness won’t directly kill you, but it can feel like it might. It can though greatly affect your mental and physical wellbeing. There is no question that feeling suffocated by loneliness can be a challenging and distressing experience, but there are steps you can take to cope with and alleviate these feelings.

Addressing loneliness and building social connections is considered an important aspect of overall health and well-being. Engaging in social activities, building supportive relationships, and seeking professional help are strategies that can contribute to mitigating the negative effects associated with loneliness.

Remember that overcoming loneliness is a gradual process, and it's okay to take small steps. As Confucius said, “It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.” Start today with a little step, tomorrow another little step. Don’t let loneliness win.

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Can Loneliness Change Our Self Perception?

Sun, 12 Nov 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Can Loneliness Change Our Self Perception?

Yes – definitely. Loneliness has a way of distorting our sense of who we are. We can question our worth and our place in a world that doesn’t seem to care about our presence. Loneliness often leads to negative self-perception and increasing self-doubt. We may come to believe we are unworthy of meaningful relationships when we feel excluded from the world.

Fortunately, we can regain our clarity of self. Understanding how loneliness can shape our self-perception is a major key to reclaiming our sense of worth, piece by piece. With this understanding, we can embark on a journey to nurture our self-worth, building it into a fortress that stands resilient against the tides of loneliness, reaffirming our intrinsic value in this world.

Our Changing Self Perception

Self perception is how we see ourselves. It includes the beliefs, opinions, and ideas we have about own qualities, characteristics, and identity. Self-perception is not fixed; it can change over time based on experiences, feedback from others, and personal growth. Loneliness has been proven to have a negative effect on our self-perception and can erode our mental well-being. Here are some ways in which loneliness can change our self-perception:

(1) Negative Self-Image: Loneliness can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. When we feel isolated and disconnected, we may question our self-worth and believe we’re unworthy of meaningful relationships. Our level of self-acceptance can diminish - we may no longer feel comfortable having weaknesses and often struggle to see our own strengths. Instead, we start to focus on our imperfections. Our self-confidence will be depleted as we no longer believe we have the abilities required to tackle life’s challenges. Accompanying this can be a loss of resilience. We may feel unable to cope with setbacks and failures in other aspects of our lives.

With a negative self image we might equate our sense of worth only to external achievements and the opinions of others. This can lead to incorporating unhealthy boundaries in relationships, opening us up to mistreatment and disrespect from others. Having a low self-image will also inhibit self-compassion. We won’t allow ourselves to make mistakes. We’ll feel we are never enough. Feeling inadequate will also take away our motivation to pursue our goals and dreams, believing we are not capable and don’t deserve success and happiness. Without the will to change our circumstances, our loneliness cycle will continue.

(4) Impaired Self-Efficacy : Loneliness can erode self-efficacy, the belief in one's ability to accomplish tasks and reach goals. When we feel isolated, we may doubt our capacity to initiate and maintain social connections, further undermining our self-perception. For example, loneliness can make us believe we’re not capable of developing friendships. We come to believe we don’t have the skills to make friends, maintain relationships or be loved. This can be carried over into other aspects of life as we come to believe we lack any skills or abilities.

(6) Feelings of Unworthiness : Loneliness can lead to feelings of unworthiness and a belief that we don’t deserve happiness or meaningful relationships. This can significantly impact self-perception and self-esteem. Feeling unworthy further pushes us into isolation, and the cycle continues.

In The End

It's important that we recognize how loneliness affects our self-perception. This enables strategies to be developed to counteract or challenge the negative thought patterns perpetuating the cycle of loneliness. Awareness of our faulty self-perception will give us greater capacity for self-growth and resilience, and will allow us to shape our own emotional destiny. To win this battle we should think of loneliness as the silent thief who robs us of our ability to truly see who we are. It distorts what we know to be true about ourselves - that we are worthy, good, loveable and whole.

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

How Does Loneliness Affect Our Emotions?

Sun, 05 Nov 2023 06:00:00 GMT

How Does Loneliness Affect Our Emotions?

Loneliness can have a significant impact on our range of emotions. Like an invisible cloak, it can slowly suffocate the vibrancy of our minds and hearts. It causes a persistent ache, an emotional burden that echoes through the corridors of our thoughts, casting shadows on our mental wellbeing. With every passing day of isolation, it chips away at our resilience, wraps us in despair, and weaves a web of self-doubt that clouds the once clear skies of our minds. It delivers a storm of emotions – sadness, anger, emptiness, and a relentless longing for the warmth of human connection. Here we look at some of the ways this loneliness plays with our minds.

Emotional Distress - The Rollercoaster

Loneliness often brings about a range of negative emotions, including sadness, depression, anxiety, and a sense of emptiness. These emotional burdens can be overwhelming. When loneliness is prolonged, it can contribute to the development, or aggravation, of mental health conditions. Here are some ways in which loneliness affects emotions.

(1) Sadness : Loneliness is often accompanied by a deep sense of sadness. Feeling isolated and disconnected from others can lead to a pervasive feeling of unhappiness. Feeling gloomy and miserable everyday becomes tiresome. Sadness can be numbing and it affects our vitality and motivation to engage with others.

(2) Depression : Prolonged loneliness is a known risk factor for depression. The emotional distress and feelings of hopelessness associated with loneliness can contribute to the development of depressive symptoms.

(5) Irritability : Loneliness can make us more irritable and prone to mood swings. This causes emotion dysregulation where our emotions fluctuate rapidly and unpredictably. Outbursts of anger, withdrawal, or impulsive emotional reactions can create interpersonal conflicts and lead to further loneliness. But suppressing our emotions is also problematic - no wonder we get irritable.

(6) Emptiness : Loneliness often brings about a sense of emptiness, a feeling that something vital is missing from their lives. This emptiness can be emotionally distressing as we come to realise, we have nothing to fill the vacuum that exists inside us. Sometimes we might try to fill this void with things that make the problem worse, for example drugs or alcohol. But nothing is ever enough. You just can’t fill the whole.

(8) Longing : Loneliness is often accompanied by a strong sense of longing for companionship and connection. This longing can be emotionally intense and painful, especially if hope is absent. To crave something that we feel is beyond us, is crushing.

In The End

Loneliness is a deeply distressing part of life that can affect anyone. It toys with our emotions, affects our ability to think clearly, destroys our sense of who we are, and it can overwhelm us with feelings of failure. Yet, in the midst of this emotional storm, there is a beacon of hope. It’s the understanding that, even in the depths of loneliness, we are not alone in our struggles. Millions of us are lonely.

We need to remember that the human spirit has an extraordinary capacity to heal, to connect, and to rediscover its strength. Reaching out, seeking support, and embracing the empathy of others can slowly dismantle the walls that loneliness has built around our mental health. In the face of loneliness, we can find the resilience to restore our emotional well-being, one step at a time. With compassion, understanding, and the power of human connection, we can mend the fractures in our hearts and minds, and bring back hope and vitality to our inner world.

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

What is Loneliness?

Sun, 29 Oct 2023 06:00:00 GMT

What Is Loneliness?

Loneliness is a complex and deeply personal experience that often goes unseen by the outside world. It's a silent struggle that many endure, but few truly understand. It can feel unrelenting and overwhelming. It impacts our understanding of who we are, and our sense worthiness to be in this world. As Mother Teresa said “The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.” Here we’ll be shedding light on the emotions and challenges associated with loneliness. Sadly, loneliness will often go unnoticed by others, but it’s increasingly experienced by many of us in the world today.

Facts About Loneliness

The Psychological Definition

The psychological definition of loneliness refers to a complex and distressing emotional state characterized by an individual's perception of social isolation and a lack of meaningful social or emotional connections with others. It is a subjective feeling of being alone, even when surrounded by others. Loneliness is not solely about physical isolation but rather about a sense of disconnection and emotional emptiness. From a psychological perspective, it can involve feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, and a longing for meaningful social connections. Addressing loneliness often involves exploring its underlying causes, its impact on mental and emotional well-being, and developing strategies to alleviate and manage these feelings.

Research on Loneliness

In 2018 the Australian Red Cross conducted a comprehensive study on loneliness in Australia. According to their report, more than 1 in 4 Australians reported feeling lonely at least three days a week. The report also highlighted that young adults (18-25 years old) and elderly people (75 years and older) were more likely to experience severe loneliness.

The Emotional Challenges of Loneliness

The Isolation of Loneliness

Loneliness can feel like a shadow that never leaves your side. It's not just the physical absence of others; it's an intense emotional void. You can be in a room full of people and still feel isolated, as if there's an impenetrable barrier between you and the rest of the world.

The Emotional Weight

The emotional weight of loneliness is relentless. It's the feeling of unrelenting sadness, the constant ache in your heart, and the sense of emptiness that no amount of distraction can fill. Loneliness can be all-consuming, overshadowing everything else in your life. It can weigh down your body and your spirit.

The Resilience of the Human Spirit

Despite the challenges, there's a resilience in the human spirit. Loneliness can be a catalyst for self-discovery. It's an opportunity to learn to be your own best company, to develop self-compassion, and to appreciate the moments of connection even more when they come.

In The End

Loneliness is a profound and often hidden struggle that can have a significant impact on one's mental and emotional well-being. It’s impact can feel overwhelming and it can be hard to see a brighter future. Yet, there is hope in understanding that you're not alone in your loneliness. With support, self-compassion, and a willingness to reach out, it's possible to navigate the shadows and find your way back to the light of connection and fulfillment.

To find out more about Loneliness Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Where Does Social Anxiety Come From?

Sun, 22 Oct 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Where Does Social Anxiety Come From?

Dealing with the challenges of social anxiety can be difficult and overwhelming. In times of frustration, you may have wondered - Why am I like this? Where does this social anxiety come from? Here we look at some factors that contribute to social anxiety. We also look at why this knowledge can be helpful. “Knowledge is power” they say. Hopefully that’s true for you.

Factors Contributing to Social Anxiety

Social anxiety, also known as social anxiety disorder (SAD) or social phobia, is a complex condition that can have various contributing factors. It typically arises from a combination of genetic, environmental, psychological, and social factors. Here are some of the key elements that may contribute to the development of social anxiety:

It's important to note that social anxiety can manifest differently in individuals, and the specific combination of factors that contribute to its development can vary. While these factors can increase the risk of social anxiety, it is a treatable condition. Various therapeutic approaches, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication, can help individuals manage and overcome social anxiety. Read here for more information about treatment: Can You Cure Social Anxiety? If you or someone you know is struggling with social anxiety, seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor is a valuable step in addressing the condition and moving you towards the future you want.

Why does it Matter Where it Comes From?

The origins or causes of social anxiety can be important for several reasons, but it doesn't necessarily change the fact that someone is experiencing it. Here's why understanding the roots of social anxiety can be significant:

(a) Tailored Treatment: Understanding the specific factors contributing to your social anxiety can help mental health professionals provide more effective and tailored treatment. For example, if social anxiety is primarily linked to traumatic experiences, therapy may focus on processing and healing from those traumas. If it's primarily a genetic factor, medication and therapeutic approaches can be adjusted accordingly.

(e) Family Support: If social anxiety has a genetic component, understanding its origins can be helpful for the family unit. Recognising that it runs in the family may help all family members be more supportive and empathetic towards each other. Sharing similar experiences of social anxiety may provide a feeling of safety and understanding.

It’s important to note that regardless of its origins, social anxiety is real and treatable. Effective therapies are available, and people can learn to manage and, in many cases, overcome social anxiety with the help of mental health professionals. Ultimately, discovering the source of social anxiety is not about dwelling on the past but it’s a vital step towards understanding and managing it.

In The End

Social anxiety can come from a range and combination of factors. Understanding it's origins matters because it can provide us with a compass to navigate an individual’s unique journey. This can help us provide a tailored, effective treatment approach that can lead to lasting change. Whether it stems from traumatic experiences, genetic predisposition, or environmental factors, pinpointing the source of social anxiety helps individuals, and their support systems, build a better future – one where they can regain their sense of balance and flourish in their lives.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Can Social Anxiety Be Cured?

Sun, 15 Oct 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Can Social Anxiety Be Cured?

There is no magic potion. But the good news is that social anxiety can be managed and improved significantly with the right strategies, therapy, and support. While it might not always be completely "cured" in the sense that we never experience social anxiety again, many people can learn to cope with their social anxiety, reduce its impact on their day to day routines, and lead fulfilling, meaningful lives. For some, it may completely pass. The journey to managing social anxiety can involve a range of strategies and techniques. It’s not a one size fits all. Remember that seeking help and support is a crucial step in this process.

Options for Tackling Social Anxiety

While it may take time and effort, many individuals can effectively manage their social anxiety and lead fulfilling lives. Here are some strategies and approaches to help alleviate the symptoms of social anxiety:

1) Cognitive-behavioral Therapy: CBT is a highly effective treatment for social anxiety. CBT is one of the most widely used and researched forms of psychotherapy for this issue. It focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns and irrational beliefs associated with social situations. Clients learn to replace these thoughts with more rational and positive ones, which can reduce anxiety and improve their ability to cope with social interactions.

2) Exposure Therapy / Exposure Response Prevention (ERP): This type of therapy involves gradually facing feared social situations in a controlled and supportive environment. By repeatedly exposing the individual to their anxiety triggers, they can become desensitized and learn that their fears are often exaggerated. Over time, this can lead to reduced anxiety and increased confidence in social settings. Gradual exposure to feared social situations, starting with less anxiety-inducing scenarios and progressing to more challenging ones, can help decrease your anxiety response over time.

3) Identifying Underlying Causes: Psychotherapy can help individuals explore and understand the underlying causes of their social anxiety, which may include past traumas, negative experiences, or family dynamics. Identifying these root causes can be an essential step in the healing process.

4) Social skills training: Social anxiety is sometimes linked to deficits in social skills. If you struggle with social interactions, consider social skills training to improve your ability to engage in conversations, maintain eye contact, and navigate social situations more comfortably. Psychotherapy can help individuals develop and enhance their social skills, such as effective communication, assertiveness, and conflict resolution also. This can improve confidence and competence in social situations.

In The End

Remember that everyone's journey with social anxiety is unique, and what works best may vary from person to person. It's essential to consult with a mental health professional to create a personalized treatment plan that addresses your specific needs and circumstances. Alleviating social anxiety may take time, and progress may be gradual. However, with the right support and strategies, many individuals can significantly reduce the impact of social anxiety on their lives and experience improved social functioning and overall well-being.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

What is Social Anxiety?

Sun, 08 Oct 2023 06:00:00 GMT

What is Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is a deeply challenging and often misunderstood condition that can have a profound impact on individuals' lives. It's not just about feeling nervous in social situations; it's about the constant, overwhelming fear of judgment, rejection, or humiliation. This fear can be so intense that it becomes a barrier to pursuing one's dreams, forming meaningful connections, and experiencing life to the fullest.

Social Anxiety in Action

Social Anxiety (also called Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) or Social Phobia) is an intense fear of being judged, or rejected by others, causing avoidance of social situations. This avoidance could also be in performance situations where they may be negatively evaluated. If these situations can’t be avoided, individuals will experience feelings of intense distress. Being in these anxiety triggering situations can lead to panic attacks in some situations. The sad and frustrating thing about social anxiety is that those who experience it, usually realise that their fears are not logical and have little factual basis. Nevertheless, those with social anxiety will feel they have no control over this intense fear, and they feel powerless to move past it.

Often those with social anxiety will worry excessively that they may be acting or appearing to be anxious in social situations. This could include outward symptoms like blushing, sweating, shaking, or struggling to find words etc. There are very real physical symptoms that may occur such as nausea, shallow breathing, and chest pains. (Read more about “How Anxiety Affects the Body” here .) Sufferers fear they will be judged as stupid, clumsy, or boring. To avoid this, those with social anxiety will avoid situations that they fear will trigger them. Unfortunately, this can become a dysfunctional coping mechanism that impacts their quality of life.

Prevalence

Social anxiety disorder is one of the most common anxiety disorders in Australia. It is estimated that around 10% of the Australian population will experience social anxiety at some point in their lives. Social Anxiety is second after Specific Phobias in terms of the most commonly diagnosed anxiety disorder. Social anxiety can affect people of all ages but often begins in adolescence or early adulthood. During teenage years, it’s often ignored by parents and care givers as they may consider it simply childhood shyness. Research shows social anxiety is more common in females than males, and that the number of people affected is growing!

The Impact of Social Anxiety

Social anxiety can have considerable negative outcomes for individuals, and these can be long term if not addressed. Social anxiety can turn a person’s world upside as they struggle to manage their fears, maintain their dignity, and lead a normal life. Every day routines become limited, work performance deteriorates, and engagement with the community, family and friends diminishes. Research also shows that social anxiety can lead to alcohol and drug use, as well as an increased risk for development of depression.

Social anxiety can significantly restrict people in various aspects of their lives. Below are some areas that can be detrimentally affected:

Isolation : Many people with social anxiety isolate themselves from others as a coping mechanism. They may withdraw from social events and spend excessive amounts of time alone, which can lead to loneliness and depression. Example: Spending Christmas Day alone because you’ve become estranged from family and friends for fear of being judged by them.

Physical Health Issues : Remaining isolated from others can lead to a sedentary lifestyle. Keeping active is difficult to maintain without the involvement of others as there may be no motivation. If other mental health issues such as depression are also present, physical health will not be prioritized and this can lead to considerable health problems. Example: Not engaging in sport, going to the gym or getting physical active, can lead to weight gain and consequential cardiac issues.

Mental Health Issue s : Social anxiety often co-occurs with other mental health conditions such as depression, generalized anxiety disorder, or panic disorder, which can compound the challenges people face. Example: Having no friends or support networks can lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression.

In The End

Living with social anxiety can feel like being trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-doubt and avoidance. It can lead to missed opportunities, loneliness, and a persistent feeling of isolation. It's crucial that we recognize and support people facing social anxiety. They need our compassion and understanding.

If you’re experiencing social anxiety – you’re not alone. Many of us are facing the same fears. But there are ways to change this. There are supportive friends, family members, and mental health professionals who can walk this path with you. Your dreams, aspirations, and the life you wanted for yourself - are all within reach. You have the power to break free from the chains of social anxiety and embrace a future filled with genuine connections, personal achievements, and the happiness you deserve.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

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Will Anxiety Ever Go Away?

Sun, 01 Oct 2023 06:00:00 GMT

Will Anxiety Ever Go Away?

Anxiety is a common human experience. It’s a normal, and usually helpful response to stress or potentially dangerous situations. However, it can become a problem when it’s chronic, excessive, or disrupts your daily life. Because we’re all unique individuals, the duration and severity of anxiety varies greatly from person to person. For many people, anxiety will come and go. In some cases, it may resolve entirely. Yes – it will go away. However, for others, anxiety can be a more persistent condition that requires ongoing management and effort to stay on top of.

Whether or not anxiety will ever go away depends on a range factors. Being aware of these factors can give you a greater understanding about your personal situation. It may also give you comfort, or highlight ways to make improvements.

Factors Affecting Anxiety

In The End

Anxiety is normal and it’s part of being human. Many people experience fluctuations in their anxiety levels throughout their lives. It’s important to remember that in treating anxiety, what works for one person, may not work the same way for another. If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety, and it’s reached the point where it’s interfering with your daily life, seek help from a mental health professional who can talk to you about available therapy options. Alternatively, see your GP if you want to find out more about medication.

With the right support and strategies in place, it’s often possible to significantly reduce the impact of anxiety and improve your overall well-being. You might even say goodbye to anxiety. And don’t forget your family and friends who will want to provide you with the love and encouragement you need. You don’t have to do this alone.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

What Does Anxiety Really Feel Like?

Sun, 24 Sep 2023 07:00:00 GMT

What Does Anxiety Really Feel Like?

For those that live with anxiety, it can be difficult to explain to others what it feels like. Also, the shame that often accompanies anxiety can make people reluctant to share their experience with other people. There is a fear that we’ll be perceived as damaged and weak, and that just exacerbates the anxiety. So, what does anxiety really feel like?

Anxiety is a mixture of physical sensations, thoughts, emotions, and behaviours that we seem to have no control over. They can show up without warning, paralyze us and prevent us from living the life we want to. Each person’s experience is different but there are some common themes. Below are some quotes from people about how anxiety can make them feel.

My Fault

“I felt like I was under a darkness. A cloud was around me and everything felt gray and there was a coldness in the world. I felt heavy in my heart. I felt hopeless and helpless. My thoughts told me I didn’t deserve life. My thoughts directed their bitterness towards me. Told me I was not good enough; I’d made catastrophic errors, and everything was my fault. A stream of negative judgements were flung at me – by me. I judged myself harshly and took the blame for everything that would happen. I couldn’t escape this negativity. The more I tried, the more the thoughts grew. I told myself to think happy thoughts, but that felt ridiculous. The hopelessness had engulfed me and I was scared.”

My Disguise

“From the outside people think I’m ok. I dress well, have a career, friends and a family. But no one knows the demons that live inside me. These are the most powerful enemies – the ones you can’t see. And that makes it even harder. No one understands what it’s like to be me. People think if you can’t see it – it’s not there. I smile, grin, and bear it because no one likes talking about the bad stuff - like the feeling that all the cells in my body are racing, like my heart beat and my breathing are out of control – but no one else knows. There can be buzzing in my ears, I don’t even realise I’m grinding my teeth and cracking my knuckles, I’m fidgeting and tapping, and constantly playing with my jewelry. My leg shakes when I’m sitting, and the speed increases the more anxious I get.

I’ll avoid any eye contact because I’m scared I can’t find the right words to speak. My voice will be filled with insecurity, so I try to avoid conversation, hoping you won’t find out how tortured I am inside. Hoping you won’t see through my disguise.”

A Stalker

“I always feel like someone or something is watching me constantly every second of every day. Even in class as a kid, if someone looked slightly in my direction, I felt like they have their eyes on me and are judging me constantly. I can’t relax.”

The Fear

“I’m scared. All the time. I’m scared something bad is going to happen. I’m scared someone’s going to get hurt. I’m scared I’m going to die. I know it’s not rational, but there are all these thoughts in my head. It’s like they rise up and I can’t stop them. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.”

Practicing

“I feel uncomfortable around anyone, even my family and I feel like I have to pretend. I get nervous about everything, even going out to the street. I overthink EVERYTHING and in case I have to interact with someone I practice for hours so I don’t mess up.”

No Reason

“I’m feeling all these feelings at once – and for no reason. There’s no problem, no life or death situation to make me feel like this. And that makes me feel crazy. Some days are better, some days are worse. But it’s day after day, and I wonder if my days will all be like this. I don’t want to be like this.”

(Click here to read "Why Does Anxiety Happen")

Can’t Win

“Having lots of free time to myself just made me feel closed off from the world. I start to overthink things. The alternative is being with people but then I begin to hyperventilate cause I feel that I’m suddenly the center of attention. I don’t like it when people are all around me. There’s just so many more things I go through every day that I have to cope with and sometimes I just feel utterly useless. When outside I look like a normal person, and it makes my parents think I’m just being over dramatic and over thinking things. They don’t get it.”

Can’t Think – Can’t Speak

“The words don’t come, and my thoughts are all over the place – they’re racing. And I’m not sure why? What just happened? Why is this happening? I can’t stop worrying about things. And I think if I do stop worrying – bad things will happen! I’m sure of it! I know everyone can see that there’s something wrong with me. What are they thinking about me? If anyone laughs, I think they’re laughing at me.”

In The End

Anxiety can feel like a monster that’s out of control. It’s unpredictable and it brings chaos. It inhibits normal functioning and, to make it worse, no one understands what you’re going through. Of course, it’s different for everyone. It can range from agitation and worry, to paralysis and fear of your own impending death. For those who have been lucky enough to live anxiety free, hopefully you’ll now know a little more about what 3.3million Australians go through daily.

Having chronic anxiety is not a character flaw or a sign of weakness. It’s experienced by everyday people like you and me, and your family and friends. It’s something that’s difficult to comprehend by those experiencing it. It’s unpredictable and overwhelming. But it’s also something that can be worked on to make life more normal. You can gain some effective tools for managing anxiety, and you can also get help in exploring what’s buried deep that perpetuates it. Sometimes you need to make peace with the monster.

These stories were intended to increase your awareness about what anxiety feels like, and for those experiencing anxiety – hopefully, you feel less alone. Remember to be kind to yourself and each other – it WILL help.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

How Does Anxiety Affect Your Body?

Sun, 17 Sep 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How Does Anxiety Affect Your Body?

Anxiety is a natural response to stress, or to your mind’s awareness of a perceived threat. Anxiety, despite how horrible it feels, is your mind and body’s way of trying to keep you safe. (To find out why anxiety happens - click here .) Unfortunately, when anxiety becomes a constant state, it can feel overwhelming, and it can have significant physical effects on your body and health. These effects can vary from person to person but often anxiety can affect your body in the following ways:

(1) Increased Heart Rate: Anxiety triggers the release of stress hormones like adrenaline, which can cause your heart rate to increase. This is your body's way of preparing for a "fight or flight" response.

(2) Gastrointestinal Distress : Anxiety can affect the digestive system, leading to symptoms like stomach aches, nausea, diarrhea, or constipation. Some people may experience irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) as a result of chronic anxiety.

In The End

It's important to note that anxiety affects individuals differently, and not everyone will experience all of these symptoms. Chronic anxiety can also have long-term health consequences if left untreated, so seeking help from a healthcare provider or mental health professional is essential if you are struggling with anxiety. There are a range of treatment options available. Reducing your anxiety can be transformative. Imagine a life without it – that’s the first step in overcoming it.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Why Does Anxiety Happen?

Sun, 10 Sep 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Why Does Anxiety Happen?

Millions of people around the world are affected by anxiety. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare report that anxiety disorders are the most common type of disorder, affecting 3.3 million Australian (17%). That’s 1 in 6 of us. Anxiety is a debilitating condition that often remains invisible as we struggle silently with it. Naturally, our daily life can be hugely impacted as we feel overwhelmed with feelings of worry and dread, struggle to sleep, and this often makes it a battle to complete simple tasks. It can also make us feel alone and helpless.

Unfortunately, our isolation is often increased by the stigma that surrounds anxiety. Those that don’t understand anxiety have no idea what we’re going through. Some people might think we just need to “snap out of it”, while others perceive it as a character weakness. People can be unaware that anxiety is not something that we can “shake off” or stop doing. It’s not a choice. Anxiety is in fact a serious and complex condition that is not something we chose to have in our life. Because of the shame that surrounds anxiety, it can be difficult to be open with others about what we’re experiencing. This can make us feel even more isolated which only intensifies the condition.

But there is some good news …..

Anxiety is your friend

Despite what you might think – anxiety is your friend. Think about anxiety as your personal Security Officer, working hard to keep you safe. As soon as a threat is detected, your Security Officer jumps into action to ensure you keep out of harms way. With this in mind, maybe next time you feel anxious, say “Hey mate. Thanks for showing up. You’re doing a great job!”

Anxiety is in fact a natural and normal human response to stress or a perceived threat. It serves as a survival mechanism, and keeps you from danger. When you encounter a potentially dangerous or stressful situation, your body automatically releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones prepare your body to respond to the threat by increasing alertness, sharpening your senses, and providing extra energy. Many changes take place in your body to prepare and motivate you to take any necessary action. This whole process is often referred to as the "fight or flight" response.

Identifying Factors Contributing to Anxiety

There are many factors affecting the presence of anxiety, and they’re different for everyone. Often there will be several contributing together to produce the uncomfortable sensations we feel. Here are some of the key reasons why this “fight or flight” response might happen:

(1) Evolutionary Adaptation : Anxiety has evolved as a protective mechanism to help humans respond to immediate threats in their environment. It can motivate individuals to take action to avoid harm or danger. If you think about our caveperson days, if you were approached by a cranky tiger, you would need extra energy to either run or fight off this ferocious feline. In a lot of ways, we haven’t changed since caveperson days. We can still often feel surrounded by potential harm, and consequently our anxiety can quickly take hold as our body and mind prepares us to fight or flee.

(2) Stress Response: Anxiety can occur when we’re faced with everyday stressors such as work pressures, financial problems, relationship conflicts, or other life challenges. Our body's natural response to stress can trigger anxiety symptoms.

In The End

Anxiety is a natural biological process intended to keep us safe. Be aware, while anxiety is a normal response to certain situations, it becomes problematic when it’s persistent, excessive, and interferes with daily life. When anxiety reaches this level, it may be diagnosed as an anxiety disorder, such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder, or social anxiety disorder. There are many therapeutic options available if you are experiencing anxiety, so seek ways that work for you. And remember, next time your anxiety shows up, say “Hi” and thank your anxiety for keeping you safe.

To find out more about Anxiety Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Do Age Gap Relationships Work?

Sun, 03 Sep 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Do Age Gap Relationships Work?

Yes – they can. Age gap relationships can work just like any other type of relationship. The success of any relationship depends on various factors, such as communication, mutual respect, shared values, and emotional compatibility, rather than just the age difference between partners. Of course, there can be some stumbling blocks when there is an age difference. Read on to discover some potential issues to be aware of, and how to make it work.

Potential Challenges and How to Make it Work

Age gap relationships, where there is a significant difference in age between partners, can certainly work out and be fulfilling for both individuals involved. However, like any relationship, there are potential challenges that can arise. It's important to note that every relationship is unique, and not all age gap relationships will encounter these issues. Here are some potential challenges that could arise:

(1) Common Interests: While age doesn’t necessarily determine compatibility, partners might face challenges in finding common interests and activities that they can share together. This is true of any relationship, but maybe more so when partners were born in different decades. Finding common interests will help strengthen your partnership and bring you closer together. So, both should be prepared to learn something new, or accept something old. Focus on making happy shared experiences – even if that means occasionally doing something you’d previously put in the “No way!” basket. Even better is to find something new to both of you which gives mutual enjoyment. You should always strive to have fun together – no matter what your age.

(2) Social and Family Pressures: Societal attitudes and cultural norms can influence how age gap relationships are perceived. Community and families can sometimes have strong opinions about the age gap between partners. We’ve all heard about “cougars” and “toy boys”, “sugar daddies” and “gold diggers”. Understandably, hurtful judgment from others, societal stereotyping, or family disapproval can add stress to the relationship. Being prepared to handle potential judgment or criticism from others is important for the well-being of the relationship. Agree on how to respond to any negativity, and standby each other.

(3) Different Life Stages Goals: Partners in an age gap relationship might be at different life stages. One may be pursuing career goals, while the other is planning for retirement. One may be wanting to expand the family, while the other is waiting for the kids to leave the nest. These differing priorities and goals can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts. It’s important to openly discuss these differences early on. Acknowledge that your partner may have different goals, and ensure that you’re open about yours. Some things might be deal breakers, so it’s important you check for compatibility in this regard.

In The End

Ultimately, the success of an age gap relationship depends on the individuals involved. Many age gap relationships thrive and lead to happy and fulfilling partnerships provided you can face your challenges with understanding, compromise, and love. The key is to approach the relationship with open hearts and minds and to prioritize the well-being and happiness of each other.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

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Can Relationships Work Without Trust?

Sun, 27 Aug 2023 07:00:01 GMT

Can Relationships Work Without Trust?

No - not unless you’re only in it for sex, money or politely gain. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Without trust we can’t be ourselves. Partners will never truly know each other if they are unable to be vulnerable and show their true selves. Without trust the relationship will be filled with insecurity, secrets, superficial communication, and a lack of true connection. You can’t be comfortable if you don’t have confidence that you know who your partner is, and in turn, you’re partner knows who you are. There is no stability in a partnership without a belief that each person is loyal, honest, and committed.

Losing Trust

“A relationship without trust is like a car without petrol. You can be in it as

long as you want, but it won’t go anywhere.”

- Unknown

Rebuilding Trust

In The End

Relationships without trust can exist, but you will always be wanting more. Only you can make the decision for yourself about whether to stay, or whether to end the relationship if trust is not present. You can both work together to rebuild the trust if you both want to put in the effort. Of course, you will need to trust in each other for that to happen.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

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Do Cheating Partners Change?

Sun, 20 Aug 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Do Cheating Partners Change?

Depends. Cheating can have devastating repercussions on a relationship. Often cheating will end the relationship because there is just no moving past it. Whether your partner will cheat again is the overwhelming question faced by those that have been betrayed, hurt, and left feeling confused and alone. Let’s look at the primary uncertainty felt by all – Do cheating partners change?

With all the hurt that’s felt, it’s understandably hard to think logically and with clarity about the situation. But that’s what needs to be done. To determine whether your cheating partner is capable of change, we’ll need to consider the reasons behind the cheating, and the reason the cheating ended. This will help us get a clearer picture of the likelihood of cheating reoccurring.

Why Did The Cheating Start?

To understand whether change is possible for your partner, we need to get an understanding of why they cheated in the first place. This will help to determine whether their behaviour was a once off, or something that will continue despite promises, good intentions and will power.

Statistics show that cheating happens. Research in 2020 showed that physical or emotional cheating occurs in approximately 70% of Australian marriages. Why is this such a high number when we have supposedly evolved into more emotionally intelligent, compassionate, caring and self-aware human beings? Consider some of the following reasons which may be behind your partner’s cheating:

Relationship dissatisfaction (unresolved relationship issues)
Personal unhappiness (not relevant to relationship)
Feeling insecure in the relationship (not feeling partner is committed to them)
Feeling neglected/rejected by partner
Boredom (desire for new experiences - physical and emotional, wanting more)
Low self-esteem (infidelity helps build confidence and feel better about self, ego boost)
Lack of physical intimacy within relationship
Sex addiction (a compulsion - not a reflection on current relationship)
Lack of emotional intimacy (feeling unable to be true self and be vulnerable with partner)
To escape problems (avoidance of personal or relationship issues)
Poor mental health (lack of self-control, attachment issues, depression, etc)
Alcohol / drug use (tendency to indulge in risky behaviours, loss of self-control, etc)

Additionally, research has shown that there are also some risk factors that can add to the chances of a partner cheating. These might also be taken into account when considering why the cheating occurred. They are not reasons behind cheating, but can add to the circumstances in which it sometimes occurs.

Being aged 18-30 – eg. Ashley Madison (infidelity dating app) report that 65% of Australian signups are from those aged 18 to 39

Being male – in 2020 Australian research showed 60% of men and 45 % of women admitted to cheating within their marriage

Living in a city rather than rural location - more opportunities and less visibility

Why did the Cheating End?

The reason for the end to your partner’s betrayal is also very important to consider. Was it because your partner got found out? Or because the cheating reached it’s natural conclusion?

If the cheating ended abruptly because it was discovered, it could mean your partner did not gain yet all that they wanted to from their affair. Your partner may still believe that the cheating was an effective strategy for dealing with whatever issues they were hoping to deal with by having a relationship with someone else.

Alternately, if your partner ended the situation because it had reached a point where it was no longer meeting their needs, this could indicate that they no longer feel the need to seek emotional or physical intimacy with others. They may have achieved what they needed to through the experience.

Is Change Possible?

Moving Forward

In The End

Sometimes, cheating ends a relationship. Other times, couples can repair the relationship and in fact make it stronger. The important thing is to consider the reasons the cheating happened, why it ended, and whether those underlying issues can be resolved. It’s a big job. Cheating partners can change, but you first have to change what's underneath.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

You also might like to read: Is My Partner Cheating? and What are the Signs of Cheating?

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What are the Signs of Cheating?

Sun, 13 Aug 2023 07:00:00 GMT

What are the Signs of Cheating?

You have some suspicions. Recently you may have become aware of some changes in your partner’s behaviour. Maybe they’ve done some things that made you curious about what might be going on. None of the following “signs” are an indication that your partner is cheating, but they have been identified by researchers as behaviours to be aware of if your intuition has you worried.

Potential Signs of Cheating

(1) Changes in Communication

Open and honest communication is vital to a healthy relationship. If your partner is having very little interaction with you, this could be a signal that something is not right. Conflict happens within relationships, but if you find this has been increasing, this can be worrying. If stonewalling is occurring and your partner is refusing to engage in dialogue, there are definitely issues that need to be resolved.

BE CAREFUL

You may feel your partner is exhibiting many, or even most, of these signs – but that doesn’t mean conclusively they are cheating. These are caution indicators only, and perhaps they point to other issues within your relationship that are problematic. Keep in mind that incorrectly accusing your partner of cheating can have an extremely damaging effect on your relationship. For the partner that’s falsely accused of behaving dishonestly and hurtfully, feelings of confusion, shock, anger and hurt can be overwhelming and long lasting. False accusations can result in emotional distancing and escalating withdrawal.

Therefore, before confronting your partner, walking out, or getting revenge, ensure you have legitimate reasons for concern. The “signs of cheating” can in fact be innocent and come from a different source other than infidelity. Also, be sure to question whether you’re fears are more about you than your partner (read more here ). Then look objectively for the signs and give careful consideration to how you want to proceed.

In The End

When you’re in a relationship and have growing suspicions about your partner’s fidelity, your emotions can get the better of you and your thinking can fill you with dread and anxiety. But there is no conclusive way to determine whether your partner is cheating unless you catch them at it. These “signs of cheating” can be used to help you look more deeply at what’s going on, but they will not give you the answers you need. Only your partner can do that - and that will be a very difficult conversation to have.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

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Is My Partner Cheating?

Sun, 06 Aug 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Is My Partner Cheating?

Maybe. You could have legitimate concerns. Perhaps you’ve stumbled on indisputable evidence – like an intimate text message. Or you may have witnessed cheating behaviors – perhaps seen them leaving a hotel together. In these days of social media, internet dating and instant communication, there seem to be limitless opportunities for infidelity. But maybe …. you’re seeing signs that aren’t really there? Sometimes our fears say more about ourselves than our partner. So how do we know if our partner is cheating?

The Definition of Cheating

Something important to consider is whether you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to what “cheating” actually means. It can mean different things to different people. Some will consider it to be sexual intercourse. Some will classify cheating as flirting with someone at the pub, or DMs on social media. Don’t assume you and your partner share the same definition. In a perfect world we would all start a relationship with a shared understanding so we could be sure there were no mistakes down the road. But this isn’t a perfect world. You may think your partner has crossed the line, but they may not.

We can use many different terms to describe “cheating”. There’s unfaithfulness, infidelity, betrayal, adultery, playing around, having a fling, two-timing, straying …. pick your favourite. The problem is we all have a different idea about what that means, and consequently where we draw the line. Some partners might see no harm in some “innocent flirting”, but others may believe that it’s unacceptable and a betrayal. To give cheating a broad definition, let’s consider it here to mean “Any sort of secret romantic engagement (be it physical or emotional involvement) with someone other than your partner with whom you have an exclusive relationship”. Do you know your partners definition?

(If you define “cheating” differently, please feel free to enter in the comments section below. ��)

Are You Seeing Things That Aren’t There?

Worrying that your partner is cheating can be very stressful and it’s not uncommon. Besides trust issues, there can be other more complex reasons for fearing your partner is involved with someone else. Some reasons may be:

Seeing Things That ARE There

Your suspicions may have become aroused due to some unfamiliar changes in your partner’s behaviour, or some other red flags you’ve detected. In this case, you may have some very valid reasons for sensing something is wrong. Stay tuned for next week’s blog when we take a look at some "Common Signs of Cheating".

In The End ....

Suspecting your partner is cheating is a horrible feeling. But before confronting them, think about whether you both have a shared understanding of what cheating is? Know how YOU define cheating, and what you will and won’t tolerate. Then think about what’s going on for you. Have you been cheated on before and maybe this has made you always on the alert? Did you’re parents cheat? How good do you feel about yourself? Have you yourself cheated before? Is your relationship under stress? Are your fears interfering with your life? Get clear on the answers to these questions first.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

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How to Deal with Stonewalling

Sun, 30 Jul 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How to Deal with Stonewalling

Stonewalling can greatly damage your relationship. Learning how to deal with stonewalling will help you better navigate the situation, and hopefully build a more healthy connection with your partner. We also look at how you can work to improve things if you find it’s YOU that’s doing the stonewalling.

How to Respond if Your Partner is Stonewalling

By responding maturely and with openness and honesty, you will be setting the scene for positive discussions and resolution.

(1) Acknowledge that your partner is stonewalling – bring it out in the open. This lays a foundation that allows you both to communicate so the situation can be resolved.

“I notice that you haven’t been responding to me/aren’t talking to me/haven’t said anything …..”

You’re stating a fact – not casting any blame or judgement towards your partner. This provides an opening for communication.

2) Make the situation about THEM . Let your partner know that you want to understand why communication has ceased.

“I want to resolve this so let me know your perspective. What’s happening for you right now?”

Asking open ended questions gives your partner an opportunity to share their feelings and can help pave the way for a conversation to resolve the situation. Be aware of your partner’s tone of voice and body language. This will help you assess whether your partner also wants to resolve the situation or whether they are intentionally stonewalling as a means of manipulation.

3) Make the situation about YOU . Let your partner know that the silence is making you feel frustrated, and it hurts. Explain calmly and logically that the situation can’t be resolved by ignoring each other. Let them know you’re willing to talk if they want to resolve it.

“I’m feeling really frustrated and hurt right now. I think we need to talk about this to resolve it. What do you think?”

Hopefully, when your partner sees the damage they are causing, they will also see that their behaviour is unhealthy for the relationship, and they will become motivated to resume the discussion.

4) Set a time. If your partner doesn’t want to talk about it now, schedule a time to discuss it later. Maybe they need time to process things. If they are not stonewalling as a means of control (emotional abuse), they should be open to scheduling a time to talk things out later.

5) End ongoing stonewalling. When resolved, make sure you talk about how to avoid any stonewalling occurring in the future.

If your partner is unwilling to engage in communication, this might indicate they are in fact using this behaviour to intentionally manipulate you and exert control. This is intentional and emotionally abusive stonewalling.

How Not to Respond to Intentional

and Abusive Stonewalling

Are YOU Stonewalling?

In The End ....

Responding to stonewalling is all about creating a safe space for you and your partner to work through your issues, and ensuring communication remains focused on resolution. If YOU are unintentionally stonewalling your partner, take some steps to understand your behaviour. There are effective ways you can work towards improving the bond between you and the overall relationship. Sadly, if you’re the victim of intentional and emotionally abusive stonewalling, you need to set boundaries and maintain your ground. You will also need to assess whether your relationship is really worth further effort. No one deserves it.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact P age to make an enquiry .

How Stonewalling Ruins Your Relationship

Sun, 23 Jul 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How Stonewalling Ruins Your Relationship

Open and honest communication is a key component to a successful relationship. Stonewalling stops that. Here we identify the two different types of stonewalling, and how to identify whether it’s present in your relationship.

What is Stonewalling?

Some of us aren’t exactly sure what “stonewalling” is. You might better know it as “the silent treatment”. It’s when one partner becomes unavailable to the other by disengaging from communication and emotional intimacy. It can also include being dismissive of what the other says, claiming your partner is being unreasonable, boring or that your perspective is trivial. Stonewalling can cause us to feel invalidated and disrespected. We are made to feel neglected and abandoned, and that our partner doesn’t value our feelings or perspective. It causes pain and ongoing distrust in the relationship. Used strategically, stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse that’s used to manipulate one’s partner and gain (or maintain) control.

According to research by Dr. John Gottman, stonewalling can be an indicator of a relationship doomed to fail. Gottman also found that 85% of stonewallers are male. This is due to their more intense physiological response to stress when in situations of conflict. Stonewalling is then often used as a way to protect from emotional flooding. Unfortunately, this only makes the situation worse.

Types of Stonewalling

There are two types of stonewalling, one innocent and one abusive.

(1) Unintentional Stonewalling

This occurs when a partner needs to create space to cool off during an argument. Some people have difficulty with their emotions in times of conflict and may retreat into silence to give themselves space to better respond to the situation. It can become a defense mechanism that’s activated when we feel overwhelmed by difficult emotions – when our nervous system perceives a fight or flight response is required. Withdrawing from the conflict is a way to temporarily avoid uncomfortable feelings.

Later, after emotions have subsided, we return to the discussion, and our partner is reassured that the issue and their perspective are important. Returning to the discussion more calmly with the intention of finding resolution, signifies that breaking communication was well meaning.

Behaviours Indicating Intentional Stonewalling

Being aware of the signs of the manipulative form of stonewalling can help us defend ourselves from further emotional, mental and physical harm. If you believe your partner is intentionally stonewalling, check to see if any of these behaviours are present:

Your partner frequently cuts off communication for extended periods of time.
There may be complete refusal to engage in conversation, or only physical gestures, or one word responses given
Avoidance of eye contact
Changing the subject
Physically leaving the room
Responding passive aggressively or using sarcasm as a response
Your partner decides when communication will recommence. Usually this is after you have apologized or given into their demands.
Your partner communicates with others - but not you. They will also attempt to get others on their side of the argument and take on the role of the victim.
Your partner intends that their refusal to communicate will make you feel guilty, isolated and responsible for the situation.
As a result of the stonewalling, you change your behaviour and meet their demands.

In The End ....

Stonewalling can be very destructive within a relationship. Without communication and emotional intimacy between partners, there is little foundation to build upon. Stonewalling can cause feelings of hurt, isolation and affect ongoing self-esteem. Sometimes, it can come from a place of emotional overwhelm, or inadequacy relating to a person’s capacity to communicate. Or stonewalling can be an intentional means of manipulation and control – this is emotional abuse. If you’re a victim of intentional and emotionally abusive stonewalling, you will need to reassess your relationship and decide whether your partner is really the one you want to be with.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact P age to make an enquiry .

How to Have a Healthy Relationship Break

Sun, 16 Jul 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How to Have a Healthy Relationship Break

So, your relationship has been struggling. You’ve both agreed to take a break. It’s important you now use the time apart constructively. Here we explore some beneficial strategies for making the best use of this break. The goal is to use this time to strengthen your relationship, rather than having it be a prelude to an “It’s over” conversation.

All relationships have highs and lows. The pressure of our day to day life, our job, kids, parents, health …. it can all lead to struggles within the relationship. There can be a breakdown in communication, trust, and conflict can be the result. As things start to unravel, the idea of a temporary break might seem a good idea. Getting some time out may allow us to get a better perspective and renewed positivity.

Understandably, most couples will find taking a break a very emotional and challenging experience. Even the thought of taking a break can fill some of us with dread and cause alarm bells. The following tips will hopefully make it an easier process, and will be beneficial in helping you reach the outcome you both want.

Before your Relationship Break

Be open in your communication! Honesty is vital. There is no point being anything but honest about what you’re feeling and what you need. Your partner needs to understand your perspective and why you see the need for a break. Your partner also needs to be aware of what your expectations are – what do you want out of this break? What are the goal and outcomes you both want? Also make sure you’ve agreed on what boundaries you will both stick to. For example, relationships with other people, communication between you both, or what you’re telling friends or children. Be clear so that there’s no confusion. And don’t forget that you need to LISTEN to your partner to ensure you are both on the same page.

During your Relationship Break

1) Cool Off

Get some space not just from your partner, but also from the relationship issues. When we’re in conflict situations, our brains can get taken over by emotion and it’s then difficult to have clarity on the issues. Decisions are best made when you feel well within yourself, not when you are full of insecurity fear, or rage. While taking a break, you’re not on each other’s radar, so you can have space to breath, collect your thoughts, settle your emotions, and relax.

2) Use Break Time Effectively

Be productive with this time you have apart. Consider the part that you are playing in the relationship and address any issues you feel you can work on. This is a good time for self-reflection and personal growth. There’s never been a better time to grab a self help book or watch some quality documentaries about building solid relationships.

3) Keep your Goals in Mind

This break isn’t a holiday. There are reasons behind it and goals you’ve both agreed you want to achieve. If these are not your focus – the break is not going to be of any help to your relationship. Stay focused on your goals and ensure you are working towards positive outcomes.

4) Tackle the Issues

Your overall goal for this break should be about improving your relationship. You now have time to think, focus and get creative. A break can give you both time to consider your issues more objectively, without the emotion or conflict arising when you’re together.

You should be able to come up with some new coping strategies to help with the problems you’ve been experiencing. Space will allow you to expand your ideas about how to deal with what’s not working. You can gain new and more positive perspectives on your issues (and each other) when you’re not actively involved in conflict.

In The End ....

Taking a relationship break isn’t about running away from your problems. It can actually be a useful tool for helping a strained relationship. Perspectives can change and clarity can be gained when you have some distance between you. Space can give you new insights and help you find ways of making it work. Having time apart also allows you to reflect on what you want in your life. It can help you remember how much you love your partner and how important it is that you be together. When all is said and done, you’ll know whether you want to give it another go.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact P age to make an enquiry .

Are Relationship Breaks Healthy?

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Are Relationship Breaks Healthy?

If your relationship has hit a point where it’s in crisis, getting some space might be helpful. But that depends on some important factors which we explore here. All relationships are different, but the following considerations may be helpful in determining whether a break might cause your relationship to continue or end.

What is a Relationship Break?

Simply put a relationship break is a planned short-term split from your partner with the idealized goal being that you both return to a more solid union. In actuality, couples may use this time to re-evaluate their relationship and determine whether a reconciliation is the best alternative, or perhaps a more permanent break would be more beneficial.

Usually, partners will live apart during the break, but due to economic realities, or the presence of children, couples may remain under the same roof. This can often prove more problematic and not allow each person to get the necessary space they need to fully reflect on the situation.

What Factors Lead to a Healthy Relationship Break?

If you’ve been thinking about taking a break from your relationship, it’s important to get some clarity on how this will happen, and what potential benefits you’re both hoping to achieve from the break. Whether the proposed break is healthy or unhealthy all depends on the following 7 important factors.

1) Mutual Agreement and Understanding

In a toxic relationship putting some space between you can be positive. The best way to do this is by establishing some boundaries at the onset, maintaining clear communication, identifying why you both want this break, and agreeing on some goals to be worked towards during your time apart. You both need to be on the same page about these things to make this process effective and successful.

It's recommended both partners sit down and work out a plan together. You’ll need to explain to each other the following:

What will the break help you with?
What will you both work on during your time apart?
How will the space between you help to improve the relationship?

2) Agreed Goals

Once you’ve both agreed on taking a break, the reasons for it, and you understand each other’s perspective, you should now agree on some goals for the time apart. It can be helpful to identify your major issues within the relationship, then specify which ones you will work on during the break. These issues may be related to conflict between you, or perhaps emotional challenges you’re facing within the relationship. Identify anything that’s standing in the way of you both having the relationship you want, and agree on a goal for improving this.

3) Time Period

There is no clear data on what time period is most effective for a relationship break. It’s all about what works for you as a couple. It could be for only a couple of days, weeks or maybe a few months. The most important factor here is that you both agree on a set time period and stick to it. That way you can both plan around it, and have a set time frame to achieve the goals you have set for yourselves. It’s vital though that you not let the time period be so great that you become disconnected from each other and no longer focused on resolution. If you’ve started to develop your life as an individual, the break has been too long.

5) Temporary vs Permanent Break

A mutually agreed break with clear reasons and expectations, does not lead necessarily to a permanent end to the relationship. It just means you both want some temporary space to reflect, relax, and then regroup. Stick to the boundaries you have agreed on, and use the time to work on the goals you have set. Some couples will find the break beneficial, and it will allow them to resolve their issues and strengthen the relationship.

Others may find the time apart leads them to decide permanent separation is the best outcome for them. It’s important that you are honest with yourself and each other from the start about whether you genuinely want to resolve your issues and remain together, or you’ve already decided it’s too late.

6) One Sided Breaks

Sometimes it’s only one partner that expresses the need for a break. If your partner feels the need to press pause on the relationship, rejecting their request may just push them further away. Forcing someone to stay with you will not make either of you happy.

If one partner agrees to the break but does not really intend on using the time to work towards solidifying the relationship, the break will be useless. If one of you is not willing to reflect objectively on the issues and develop better ways of addressing your problems, permanent separation is inevitable.

7) Coming Back Together

When you reunite you should work together on addressing what’s been getting between you. As a couple you can identify more healthy ways to work through your issues in the future. Hopefully, you’ve also developed a greater appreciation for your partner. You’ll both recognize the important role the other person has in your life. This will lead you to prioritize your partner and see where things can be changed, ensuring your relationship is strengthened and continues moving forward.

In The End ....

Relationship breaks can be a healthy strategy for improving your relationship. The important thing is that you are both in agreement from the outset on the reason for the break, and the goals you want to achieve during your time apart. Given some space, time for reflection and finding positive strategies for improving your relationship, you and your partner can end up in a happier and healthier place. But, without mutual agreement, trust and hard work, your relationship may wither and not end in happily ever after.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact P age to make an enquiry .

How to Fix an Unhappy Relationship

Sun, 02 Jul 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How to Fix an Unhappy Relationship

Let’s be clear - it’s not your partner’s annoying habits and faults that will make your relationship unhappy. We should all be able to live with the snoring, refusal to do the dishes, poor dress sense, or back seat driving. But there are some important aspects of a partnership that must be present for it to survive. These characteristics provide a solid framework for your relationship to be based on. Things like kindness, respect, love, honesty and trust. These are the building blocks of a happy relationship. Everything else you can usually find a way around.

Below we’re going to look at 10 of the common issues that can cause unhappiness within a relationship. After this is a simple 3 step plan for trying to fix what’s causing you to be unhappy. The rest is up to you … and your partner.

Identifying What’s Making your Relationship Unhappy

The first step to fixing what ever is broken, is to figure out exactly what’s causing the problem. Take a close look at the following 10 Common Issues that adversely affect relationships. Having one present can take the shine of what you thought was “happily ever after”. Having several of these in your relationship, can cause you a great deal of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Read through the list and jot down which you think are relevant to you.

1. Lack of Effort

After the dating and honeymoon are over, we can start to take each other for granted. Our previous focus on making ourselves desirable and interesting diminishes as we start to feel more relaxed in the safety of our relationship. We just don’t make the effort we use to, because we know our partner loves us. Long term this can come across as a lack of care for what the other thinks.

2. No Affection or Romance

Gone are the thoughtful little gifts, and the kind gestures that let us know we’re appreciated. We can’t remember the last time we had a romantic dinner together, let alone a weekend away filled with fun and passion. Hand holding doesn’t happen anymore. Passionate kisses have become a peck on the cheek. When this happens, we can definitely start to feel something is missing in the relationship. We might feel that we’re no longer desired and, in turn, we no longer crave our partner like we did.

3. Little Time Together

We don’t give each other the time and attention we use to. Spending time together, sharing activities, being with friends, or just relaxing together – are vitally important in a relationship. If we’ve entered into a committed partnership, we’ve chosen to spend our life with the one we love, not exchange texts about what’s happening in our life, and see each other from time to time. Consider also that some people have a greater need for time together than others. You and your partner may have different levels of need in relation to this. This can result in one of you feeling neglected by the other.

4. Lack of Communication

Often the communication between partners reduces gradually over time until it feels like “we just don’t talk anymore”. This decline in communication can feel like our partner just isn’t interested in us anymore. Or that they are keeping things from us. Or maybe we’ve found our conversations have become repetitive, predictable, and stuck. Without open and honest communication we drift apart, and we might try to connect with others who make us feel that we are interesting to talk to.

There are various views on what a “happy” relationship is. It’s very subjective. But basically, each person will have their own ideal of what the relationship will be like. If your criteria are met, in theory, you will feel happy. If not … you’ll feel unhappy.

The experts will tell you that a happy relationship will include respect, honesty, open communication, a balance of power, emotional intimacy, and compromise. Sounds great! But maybe YOUR idea of a happy relationship also includes an overseas holiday every year, zero arguments, 15 children, or a partner happy for you to have friends with benefits - whatever. If you both have a different idea of what the relationship should look like, neither of you will be happy.

Perhaps then if you’re feeling unhappy, you need to look at what your expectations for the relationship are. If you find that something is absent, you could explore this further to see whether it’s still a priority. It could be that your expectations could be easily revised to improve your own happiness. What was non-negotiable before, may not be as important now because you love your partner, and they are far more important than sole possession of the remote control. An assessment can be made to decide whether you partner is more important than any of the requirements on your list that you’re not getting.

Keep in mind, changing your PARTNER is not going to make a happy relationship. You will only end up with a resentful, unhappy partner who is also questioning whether this relationship is going to survive.

Steps to Fixing an Unhappy Relationship

1. Identify what’s causing unhappiness for you

2. Open dialogue with your partner about what you’re feeling

3. Create a plan together for how to move forward

If these steps feel challenging from the position you’re currently in, talk to a professional to gain some clarity. Together, with your therapist, you can develop a plan to address the unhappiness you’re currently experiencing. Sometimes just talking it through with someone can highlight the best path forward. You may gain new perspectives that help you rebuild the relationship you wanted.

In The End ....

Relationships take work – like all worthwhile things in life. Sadly, some people stay in an unhappy relationship because the prospect of being single again seems worse. But that’s like settling for “unhappy ever after”. Instead, working on your challenges together can be far less harrowing than starting all over again, or living with unhappiness.

Relationships must contain some fundamental elements like trust, respect, and honesty. If you find troubling issues arise - unhappiness can set in. How you deal with that unhappiness will determine whether your relationship grows, or dies. The best thing you can do? Talk about it.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact P age to make an enquiry .

Are Most Relationships Unhappy?

Sun, 25 Jun 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Are Most Relationships Unhappy?

Have you been feeling unhappy in your relationship, and wondering if that’s normal? Here we look at the stages of a relationship, explore what is “happy” anyway, and look at whether it’s normal to be unhappy? We also take a peek at some recent statistics to give you a perspective on your own relationship. Overall, despite conflicting data and ambiguous studies, chances are that what ever you’re experiencing is similar to the couple next door.

Relationship Evolution

First comes the dating when we experience all those “feel good” hormones circulating throughout our bodies. We LOVE to feel in love! We all go to great efforts to ensure we look attractive, act romantically, and appear the ideal mate. Then we have the honeymoon period when we start to relax around each other, but we’re still learning about our partner. Everything is new and exciting, and we have great dreams and expectations for our life together. Then inevitably, the period of romance and excitement ebbs as we develop a more emotional bond based on trust, love, and companionship. We travel through life together, supporting each other, being partner, friend, and lover. What could possibly go wrong? Well …. lots really.

What is “Happy”?

Is it Normal to be Unhappy in a Relationship?

Relationship Statistics

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), in Australia in 2021, we had 56,244 divorces recorded, which was the highest number since 1976 (when no fault divorce was introduced). The largest proportion of couples separating are those who have been married 9 years or less. The ABS further states that cohabiting relationships are even more likely than marriages to end in separation. Sounds gloomy – and definitely like there are a lot of unhappy relationships out there.

Interestingly, data shows that divorce is now taking place at a later age in life. In 2019 men were more likely to divorce between the age of 45 and 49, while for women it was between 40 and 44. This differs greatly from 2016 data which shows the common age was between 25 and 29. This reflects the fact that couples are marrying later in life. Also, some of these divorces may be a person’s 2nd or 3rd marriage (again ending in divorce). Additionally, the social stigma of “living in sin” is gone, meaning most couples co-habitate before marriage, or may choose not to marry at all. This further muddies the studies.

Although it might seem that everyone in the country is in a committed relationship, the ABS 2019 found that the percentage of Australians in married or partnered relationships is only 60%. (This may come as a surprise to singles who think all the “good ones” are taken!)

In The End ....

Your relationship isn’t going to be perfect every day. And it will probably never live up to the expectations you had for it. But this is real life with real people. Forgive each other for being human, and love each other for being who you are. Relationships take work – like everything else that’s important in life.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact P age to make an enquiry .

How Does Abuse Affect Mental Health?

Sun, 18 Jun 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How Does Abuse Affect Mental Health?

The affects of domestic abuse on a person’s mental health can be debilitating and long term. Every abuse situation is unique, and the ways in which we respond mentally to abuse are also very individualised. Here we look at how abuse can affect mental health while in an abusive relationship, and then how our mental health may be affected after leaving the relationship and starting the process of rebuilding our lives.

(Some information on Abuse Terminology is found at the end of this article.)

Mental Health Issues During an Abusive Relationship

If you have experienced Intimate Partner Violence, you may experience many emotions — anger, confusion, fear, or even a sense of numbness, or an inability to connect with any emotions at all. You could also feel a misplaced sense of shame or guilt over what you’re experiencing.

The trauma associated with Intimate Partner Violence can lead to many psychological problems. These can include:

Anxiety disorders
Depression
Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Poor self esteem
Inability to trust / develop future relationships
No sexual desire / unsafe sexual behaviour
Body image issues
Eating disorders (this is an attempt to control one aspect of your life when you feel you have no control elsewhere)
Sleep disorders (eg. due to fear, rumination, or anxiety)
PTSD (including flashbacks, being easily startled, memory issues, nightmares, angry outbursts or mood swings, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts and feelings as a result of experiencing trauma.)
Suicidal Ideation

While remaining in the abusive relationship, these mental health issues grow and worsen. Although you may attempt to hide the abuse from others, emotional issues such as these can become noticeable to those around you, and they may suspect things are not as they seem. (Read here about why victims stay in abusive relationships.)

Mental Health Issues After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

It can take considerable time to adjust to an abuse-free life where you can experience a sense of safety. This is especially so if the abuse was carried out over a long period of time. Healing takes patience and persistence. It will require you to draw on all your strengths and resources to rebuild your sense of self. This is a period where a great deal of support is required.

In The End ....

You need to know that what happened was not you’re fault. You also need to know that you are not alone. The earlier you can get psychological support, the more you prevent long term mental health issues, and the sooner you can start to feel safe and live the life you deserve.

Crisis Support contact numbers can be found on FAQ page here .

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here , or go to Contact P age to make an enquiry .

NOTES: Abuse Terminology:

To clarify some terminology in this article the following may be helpful.

ABUSE - The terms “Domestic and Family Abuse”, “Intimate Partner Violence”, “Domestic Violence” ….. are often used interchangeably. According to the AIHW (Australian Institute Health and Welfare) “Domestic Violence” is a set of violent or intimidating behaviours, usually perpetrated by current or former intimate partners, where a partner aims to exert power and control over the other, through fear. The AIHW states that Domestic Violence includes behaviours such as:

physical violence (eg, hitting, choking, slapping, kicking and beating, use of weapons)
sexual violence (eg, unwanted touching, rape/forced sexual intercourse, and other forms of sexual coercion)
emotional/psychological abuse (eg. intimidating, humiliating, insults, belittling, verbal abuse, making threats)
coercive control (eg. controlling access to finances, monitoring movements, isolating from friends and family, restricting employment, education or access to medical care).

Unfortunately, some in society still only consider it a crime to leave marks on their partners body, and they disregard the scars that can be left on a victim mentally.

VICTIM/SURVIVOR - There can be differences of opinion on whether to use the word “Victim” or “Survivor” when talking about those experiencing abuse. Both terms have their place and serve different purposes. Under federal law, a "victim" means “an individual who suffers direct or threatened physical, financial, or emotional harm as a result of the commission of a crime”. “Victim” is a legal definition necessary within the criminal justice system. “Survivor” is often used elsewhere as a term of empowerment to convey that a person has started the healing process and may have gained a sense of safety in their life.

GENDER – While statistics show that the majority of abuse victims are female, it should be noted that victims can be male, female, and LGBTIQ.

The Australian Institute of Family Studies, 2015, reports that People who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, intersex or queer (LGBTIQ) experience intimate partner violence at similar rates as those who identify as heterosexual. Unfortunately, there has been less research conducted on this group at this point, so specific statistics are harder to locate.

Why do Abuse Victims Stay?

Sun, 11 Jun 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Why do Abuse Victims Stay?

Why Do Abuse Victims Stay?

For those who haven’t had the misfortune to be involved in an abusive relationship, the reason a victim stays can sometimes be hard to imagine. I’ve often heard people say, “If it was so bad, why didn’t they just leave?” To outsiders it’s a valid question. To those experiencing abuse, it’s a stupid question. Here we identify why some abuse victims stay and why leaving just doesn’t seem an option.

A Growing Issue

Statistics show that 23% of Australian women have experienced physical violence by a former or current intimate partner (ABS, 2017). This means many of us may have first hand experience, or know someone who has. Sometimes the decision to leave an abusive partner is a no brainer. But often it’s a complicated decision that puts even more pressure on the victim and intensifies their trauma.

Studies have shown that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse is when they attempt to leave the relationship (or shortly after they have left). Perpetrators will go to extreme measures to ensure their victim doesn’t leave them. Once an abuser feels they’re no longer able to maintain control over their victim, their abuse often intensifies. Hearing about shocking incidents of murder taking place after a partner leaves, or threatens to leave the relationship, is far too common.

There are SO MANY reasons why a victim stays in this toxic relationship. Below are some examples that demonstrate how complex these situations can be and how the abuser keeps their victim trapped.

Fear

Most reasons for staying are based on fear. The victim is put in the position of having to decide whether their fears about staying are greater or lesser, than the potential repercussions of leaving. They may judge that remaining in the relationship is safer because, if they leave, they may be unable to protect themselves and those they love from the escalating abuse. A 2018 study by ANROWS (Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety) reported that, on average, each week one woman in Australia is murdered by her current or former partner.

Abusers will often threaten the following to incite fear in their victims:

increased violence or killing their partner
harming or killing the children
taking custody of children
harming or killing pets, extended family, friends
denying access to financial assets or support

Abuse victims are very knowledgeable about the capabilities of their abuser and know these threats are genuine.

Other credible fears are:

friends and family will not be supportive of them leaving
inability to cope as a single parent
inability to financially support themselves and children
belief that the children would be better off with two parents
insufficient knowledge about how to escape (no access to safety and support services)
nowhere to go (no friends/family they can go to, no money for accommodation, lack of refuge/shelter beds)
being homeless
not being believed (Often the abuse has been kept secret from others and victims worry that no one will believe that abuse has been taking place.)

Culture & Society

Love

In The End ....

There are many reasons abuse victims stay. Each situation is different and complex. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that there is support out there. A professional can help you assess your personal situation and work with you to decide the best options for you to move forward. Remember - none of this is your fault. You don’t deserve this. You need to take care of yourself. You’re not alone.

For those that are not in abusive relationship – keep in mind that one in four of us have been a victim of intimate partner abuse. Tomorrow, where ever you are – at work, sport, the pub, shopping …. look around and know that someone standing next to you is probably going home to a nightmare.

Emergency crisis numbers are here .

Talking to a counsellor about your personal situation can be a positive step in ending the abuse. See Relationship Services page for further information or contact here .

How To Talk With Your Partner About Their Drinking

Sun, 04 Jun 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How To Talk With Your Partner About Their Drinking?

If you’ve decided that you should talk with your partner about their drinking (read here to help with this decision), then you’ve taken the first step in helping your partner make some positive changes. But how do you start a personal and sensitive conversation like this one? How do you show your concern without bringing about anger, denial, sorrow, or shame? Below are some useful strategies to help you initiate the conversation you know you need to have.

Rehearsal

You might find yourself rehearsing the conversation in your head over and over, getting some structure to your thoughts. That’s a good way to prepare. But once the conversation starts, don’t worry about it being as you’d planned. Be natural and be yourself. The important thing is to let your partner know that it’s just the two of you talking, and it’s private, and you’re bringing it up out of love and concern.

Be Prepared for Emotions

The conversation will steer itself and you may find many emotions surfacing. These can be challenging to deal with. They could be your own emotions based on your own opinions, experience and values, or your partner’s feelings about whether or not your concerns are valid, and whether they’re being judged. The way you approach the conversation will definitely affect the outcomes so ensure it comes from a place of genuine concern and love.

Request

Introduce the conversation by sharing that you have a problem (you’re worried), and that you’d like to discuss if it’s a convenient time. This let’s your partner know that it’s you that is seeking support, and it respectfully asks if it’s ok with them to talk about it now.

Eg. ‘Hey Babe, I want to talk about something that’s been worrying me recently, is this a good time to chat?’

Use “I Statements”

These should be used throughout your conversation. They ensure that your partner understands what’s happening for you. But more importantly, starting the sentence with “I” helps you share your troubling feelings without your partner feeling blamed. You are taking responsibility for your own feelings and thinking.

Eg. " I'm worried about you because I love you, and when you drink rather than coming to bed, I feel lonely, and I get worried about you feeling sick in the morning, and maybe missing work."

Be Specific

Don’t generalize about what you’ve witnessed in terms of your partner’s drinking behaviour eg. “You’re always drinking”. This is inaccurate and not helpful. Be specific about what you’ve seen, when, where, how much, etc. Bringing specifics to their attention may increase awareness about something they’d not noticed. Also, specifics cannot be dismissed or disputed so easily. By referring to specific situations, your partner is also less likely to be defensive than if you make sweeping generalisations about their overall behaviour.

Remain Calm

If your partner raises their voice, don’t do the same. Keep a controlled and measured pattern of speech. Breathe slowly. By doing this your partner may subconsciously mirror you, and this can assist if they are surprised by the discussion and feel defensive.

Be Non-Judgmental

Don’t judge your partner’s behaviour. Don’t allow blame, complaints, or accusations to enter into the conversation. This isn’t a forum to share your discontent. It’s an opportunity to tell your partner how much you love them, and how much you’re worried about what’s happening.

Don’t attack

Casting dispersions on your partner’s personal values, or on them as a person, is not going to achieve anything. Character assassination is not going to be of any help here, it will only put your partner on the defensive. The objective is to ensure your partner feels loved and supported – not ambushed.

Listen

It’s VITAL that you listen to your partner’s responses. Try to understand their point of view. If you don’t listen, you don’t know their perspective. This will also end the discussion with no progress having been made. Showing compassion and support is one of the most important things you can do at this stage. And you can only do that by listening.

State your objectives

Tell your partner what you want from the conversation. Let your partner know what outcome you want from discussing this.

Eg “I just want to make sure you’re ok. And I want you to know that I’m here for you, and if you want my help in any way, you just tell me.”

Ask what they need

Keep in Mind

Don’t forget this conversation is about you sharing your concerns and offering support if needed. Keep the following in mind:

Make sure you’re non-confrontational.
Be kind.
Don’t approach things from an “I know best” stance.
Be honest about how you feel and be respectful in how you speak.
Use open ended questions so they can fully share their thoughts and feelings. (How? What?, etc).
Watch your own body language to make sure you come across as open and caring.
Keep your tone of voice positive and caring.

Remember

Reliance on alcohol isn’t a choice. There can be many reasons for developing an alcohol problem . So don’t feel superior, lecture or be judgmental.

You can’t change someone else and often the harder you try to do that, the more they won’t budge.

Everyone in life wants to feel that they are respected, accepted and that their views are heard. This includes your partner.

Revisit

You may find that your partner doesn’t share your point of view concerning their drinking. That’s ok. You’ve made your concerns known. You explained that it’s out of love that you raised this, and you offered your ongoing support. You’ve planted a seed and your partner may silently ponder what you’ve said in the days ahead. When they feel there may be an element of truth in your observations, they’ll know that they can talk with you about it, and that you’re fully supportive of them.

If you feel it’s appropriate, be brave again and re-initiate the conversation. It’s a conversation that you may have to have several times before your partner acknowledges they’ve got a problem. The most important thing though is that you continually have the conversation from a position of concern, love and support.

Be Kind To Yourself

Taking action and discussing something you’re concerned about was a brave move, and one that was necessary. Talking about something so personal can be draining too. You did a good thing. Know that your genuine concern will be appreciated – it not today, then soon. Draw strength from the fact that you did what you thought was right, and for all the right reasons. Good job!

You’re Not Alone

Even if your partner isn’t ready to address their drinking issues, there are support services available for those (like you) who are dealing with a partner who has a problem. Counsellors and support groups can help you examine how the situation is affecting you and your relationship.

More information about getting support for Relationship Issues is available here . Also see Addiction Services here for more details about how counselling can help when your partner is ready to make some positive changes. If you’re interested in finding out more about individual counselling to help you get through this, click here for a free phone chat about your unique situation.

Important

Having this difficult conversation can cause discomfort, and in some situations, could lead to emotions of anger and resentment. If alcohol is bringing out a darker side to your partner and you don’t feel your concerns will be taken seriously, or it will bring about major conflict, think carefully about how to proceed. If this is the case, we recommend you seek advice from others to help you access the situation and formulate an appropriate plan to get your partner the support they need.

If abuse has been present in your relationship, be very cautious and seek professional support. Obviously if children are involved, always ensure their emotional and physical safety are maintained at all times. Contact numbers for crisis situations are listed on FAQ page here .

In The End ...

If you’ve talked with your partner out of love, with respect and genuine concern, they will appreciate this. They’ll know you’re acting from your heart. If initially you don’t get the outcome you’d hoped for, at least you did what you thought was right. And if your partner does acknowledge that their drinking needs to change, you can work together to address this, and get things back on track. Remember to always be there to support, not confront. Your relationship will now be all the better, thanks to you for initiating this tough conversation.

Should You Talk With Your Partner About Their Drinking

Sun, 28 May 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Should You Talk With Your Partner About Their Drinking?

Most couples enjoy going out for a drink together. You might both partake in a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, or look forward to a beer when you get home from work. But maybe you’re starting to feel your partner is hitting it a bit hard, and you’ve been picking up some red flags. If it’s reached the point where you feel your partner’s drinking is negatively affecting your relationship (or other aspects of life like career, family, health, finances etc.), you might feel you should say something, to check in that everything’s ok. Or should you?

(Of course, this subject can affect others in your life besides your partner. All of us have probably picked up on some red flags from a work colleague, a family member, or friends. In these cases, you would need to think about your level of connection with that person, and whether you are the most appropriate person to be initiating such a conversation. It can never hurt though to check in and ask how they’re doing.)

Drinking, Culture, and Statistics

Alcohol has been part of the Australian culture since colonization. We’ve been brought up in a society that promotes partying. Alcohol manufacturers sponsor everything they can, there’s a pub on every corner, and celebrations mean champagne! “Let’s drink to that!” Drinking is part of our world, and we can’t avoid it’s presence. That gives us the illusion that drinking is OK. Well, yes it is ok – in moderation (we are continually told).

Based on statistics, we know that not everyone drinks in moderation. Alarmingly, the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) reports that in 2019-2020 there were 1,950 alcohol-related deaths and 30,000 alcohol related hospitalisations in Australia. The leading causes for alcohol-related deaths among males were suicide (48%), accidental poisoning (23%) and car accidents (12%). For females the leading causes of alcohol-related deaths were suicide (43%), accidental poisoning (33%) and falls (9%). These are worrying statistics. Especially if you’ve been seeing some red flags where your partner is concerned.

Consider - Is Drinking a Problem For My Partner?

Reflect on your partner’s drinking habits, associated behaviours, and consumption levels. Do you have legitimate concerns? Is your partner’s behaviour negatively affecting your relationship? Has their job, finances, friendships, or health been affected? Get clear on what’s been happening and how often.

Being Brave

You might still wonder whether you should have the conversation or not. Ask yourself “If I thought my partner was medically ill, or indulging in risky behaviour, or gambling away their life savings, or being cruel to the dog – would I say something?” Chances are (I hope) – YES! If alcohol is affecting your relationship, it’s probably negatively impacting other aspects of your partner’s life too. If no action is taken, things can get progressively worse and lead to serious physical and emotional repercussions.

So, if in doubt, just do it!

Developing Openness and Trust

In all our close relationships , whether with friends, family or romantic partners, we should ensure that we always openly communicate with each other. That means always sharing information and feelings - both positive and negative. If this is a part of your relationship, an environment of trust and openness will be present, and a feeling of safety will have developed between you both. This is VITAL when talking with your partner about their drinking.

When starting a conversation about drinking (or any other sensitive subject) we should ensure that this feeling of openness and trust is present. A good idea is to make sure we begin to develop this safety well before the drinking conversation. Do this by disclosing aspects of your own life that you’ve struggled with, now and in the past. Talk about some challenges that you’ve experienced, things that you aren’t proud of, things that show that you’re human. By showing our own weaknesses or errors of judgement, we let our partner know that no one’s perfect and that’s ok. Showing your own vulnerability lets your partner know that you trust them with your experiences and challenges, and they can do the same.

Sharing and trusting each other with our own issues can help lay the groundwork for starting the conversation about drinking.

When To Talk About Drinking?

Find a time when you’re feeling brave and confident. Pick a day and time when neither of you have been under stress, and you’re both feeling positive about your relationship. Make sure you’ve been developing trust and safety between you recently by being open about your own issues. And make sure it’s a time when you won’t be interrupted.

Where To Talk About Drinking?

Choose a location that’s private, away from prying ears. Your partner is not going to want this conversation overheard, so ensure your location gives this feeling of safety. Also ensure that the location is not where alcohol is available or would normally be consumed e.g. bar, restaurant etc. You should create distance from this kind of environment because you don’t want alcohol consumed during your conversation. You want to ensure that heads are clear while this important subject is discussed.

Important

In The End ….

If you have concerns about your partner’s drinking, you should talk with them, if you feel it’s safe to do so. There is a chance your concerns will be met with denial and cause some conflict. Alternately, your partner may appreciate that you’ve noticed they’re struggling and feel grateful that you’ve intervened. Either way, you acted out of love and concern and that’s the important thing to get across.

Update: Read next week’s blog post to find out “ How to talk with your partner about their drinking”.

If you’re interested in finding out more about individual counselling to help you get through this, click here for a free phone chat about your unique situation.

How To Say Sorry To Your Partner

Sun, 21 May 2023 07:00:00 GMT

How to Say Sorry to Your Partner

Saying you’re sorry means communicating regret for something you did or said. Expressing a sincere apology shows that you care and respect your partner, and it can help to repair a relationship that’s sustained damage. For the apology to be sincere it’s important that we reflect on our actions, take responsibility for our wrong doings, and actively make changes to fix what’s been broken. Read on to learn the 4 Step Process , and then learn the nitty gritty of What to say , and What not to say .

How To Say Sorry – A Four Step Process

Let’s start by stating the obvious – you need to apologize as soon as you can. The longer you both have to stew over what happened, the greater your negativity about the situation and each other deepens. Apologize before things get worse and it’s even harder to mend the situation.

Although saying sorry may seem hard (see blog here), we can break down the process into four important steps.

1. Reflect – Think about the role you’ve played in the situation. Even if both parties contributed, what was your role? Take a step back and try to see the other person’s perspective. How do your actions look from the other person’s point of view? Think about what emotions your partner might be experiencing? How did your actions make your partner feel?

2. Take Responsibility – Yes … you need to own it! Express a sincere apology, which communicates how much regret you have for your actions. This will show that you accept responsibility for your part, and that you are honestly remorseful. Sincerity is key. You should also ensure you state your apology clearly … no wishy washiness. Your apology will be best received when you specify exactly what your wrong actions (or words) were. This shows that you understand where you went wrong.

3. Listen – Just because you said sorry, things aren’t magically repaired yet. After saying sorry, wait for the other person’s response and listen carefully. Don’t interrupt. Give them time to respond and share what’s important to them, and how they’re feeling. Truly try to understand how what we’ve done has affected your partner’s life. You then need to accept their feedback respectfully and use it to ensure you don’t repeat the same mistake again. There may be an opportunity then to discuss together any changes or actions that need to happen to prevent future recurrences.

4. Repairing – After accepting your partner’s feedback respectfully, always follow through with any actions you’ve committed to do. The act of apologizing can strengthen your relationship, but only if you ensure you learn from your mistakes and follow through on agreed actions.

What You Should Say:

The following “apology starters” can have an enormous impact and are a great way to show that you are taking responsibility and are remorseful.

I’m sorry for ….

I apologize for …..

It was wrong of me to ….

I take full responsibility for ….

I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have ….

It was my fault. I should have ….

These types of apologizes show that you take ownership for what happened, you know exactly where you went wrong, and you regret what you did.

It’s important to keep in mind that, for the other person to truly forgive you, they need to feel that you “get it.” They need to know that you understand how whatever you did impacted them. This means that your empathy game needs to be strong! Empathy means that you’re able to step into the other person’s shoes for a moment so you can have a fuller understanding of their experience, their feelings and their point of view.

What You Shouldn’t Say:

"I’m sorry". (nothing else)

This doesn’t show that you’re aware of what you did and why it was wrong. It doesn’t seem sincere. You’re also not showing how things will be different in the future. Saying simply “I’m sorry” can be perceived as merely an attempt to placate the other person with no sincerity or promise of change. It may actually worsen the rift.

"I’m sorry, but ….."

The dreaded “BUT”! Including a “but” in an apology negates everything that you’ve said before it. It makes excuses and puts the blame on the other person. This is not an apology. Adding “but” just points the finger at your partner and says it’s their fault.

Saying nothing

Avoidance isn’t going to make it go away. You know you’re wrong, but maybe your embarrassed by it, or don’t like admitting your wrong. It makes you uncomfortable. But what’s more important? You feeling momentarily uncomfortable, or your relationship with your partner?

"I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This is not an apology. It’s basically saying “It’s your problem – get over it”.

"I’m SO SORRY! I’m the worst person in the world!"

Exaggerating doesn’t help. It doesn’t erase what you did. And it doesn’t promise you’re not going to do it again. It’s insincere and will be felt by your partner as a disingenuous attempt at smoothing over the situation - not you taking responsibility. Your words just make the other person feel compelled to say “You’re not that bad”, so that you feel better about yourself. It’s not an apology, it’s an attempt to make yourself feel better.

"I promise I will be the perfect partner from now on."

This is an empty promise and will not re-establish trust. Making a promise you can’t keep will only lead to further disappointment and hurt. Unachievable promises will set unrealistic expectations. Being “perfect” is impossible so you would be foolish to take responsibility for achieving this.

“If I hurt you, I’m sorry.”

This does not show that you understand what you did wrong. You can’t take responsibility and be remorseful for actions you are unclear about. Reflect on what you did, how it hurt and specifically state your actions that caused pain.

In the end …

Saying sorry can mend a damaged relationship. Although forgiveness isn’t guaranteed, sincerely apologizing will usually be seen as an honest attempt to reconcile and reconnect. It may take time, but without saying sorry, the communication lines will be down, and the relationship will become more distant. Unfortunately, we are all going to offend and hurt others at various times as we go through life. The secret is to learn how to say sorry …. and mean it.

Click here to find out Why it's so hard to say sorry in a relationship?

Please visit Relationship Issues for information about how Counselling can help.

Why is it hard to say sorry in a relationship?

Sun, 14 May 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Why is it so hard to say sorry in a relationship?

So you screwed up

We’re all human – so we’re all going to mess up from time to time. It might be forgetting to put the bins out, or maybe forgetting to treat your partner with the respect they deserve. You might have spent most of your pay on a new pair of shoes, or maybe you insisted your mother-in-law stay for the week. No matter how good our intentions, we inevitably get things wrong. We are misunderstood, make poor decisions, or just generally manage to hurt or offend the ones we love.

Often there are complicated feelings associated with an apology, but never apologizing in a relationship is a sure way to end it. Mumbling a quick insincere “sorry”, or just pretending you’re unaware of the offence, doesn’t help. We need to feel truly apologetic for having caused hurt. Without regret and the accompanying concern at having caused pain, our apology is nothing but a platitude, and this will be sensed by whoever we’ve wronged. And this will inevitably lead to further disappointment.

What we did wrong doesn’t matter. What we do about the situation is what’s important. You know that your relationship is more important than what you’re arguing about …. but sometimes we really struggle to say those two little words … ”I’m sorry.” Often a heartfelt and sincere apology is all that’s needed to restore the harmony, mend hurt feelings and rebuild the intimacy between you, …. so why do we find it so hard to say sorry?

Reasons why “I’m sorry” is difficult

Why do we keep hurting the ones we love?

Sun, 07 May 2023 07:00:00 GMT

Why do we keep hurting the ones we love?

You would think as intelligent human beings we would be kindest, and most tolerant and understanding of those in life that we love the most. Whether that’s our spouse or partner, a child or parent. We love them, and we don’t want to lose them. But sometimes we treat them horridly. Often, we are much more respectful and patient with our friends, work colleagues or even random strangers than we are with our loved ones. Why?

There can be several reasons for us hurting the ones we love, but let’s talk about IDEALISATION .

Our Investment

During our time on this earth, our friends and acquaintances are only with us intermittently. Our partners and family members on the other hand are (hopefully) with us for life. We therefore have so much more at stake in our closer relationships. Our life is wrapped up in our loved ones and our identities are intertwined. We feel our closer relationships need to be perfect because we have invested so much in them. We’ve invested everything into this person. This is our life!

Short Changed

It’s understandable then that our friends don’t have the ability to cause as much damage to our life as our loved ones do. So ironically, it’s only after we’ve invested a lot of time and emotion in another person, that we start to become openly irritated and intolerant of them. If things aren’t going perfectly, we become that hurtful monster because we feel we’ve been let down, we’ve been short changed on our life investment. And so we keep hurting them …

Our Not So Perfect Partner

Loved ones have to play many roles in our life. For instance, our partner may be playing the part of our best friend, our secret holder, travel buddy, nurse, entertainment organiser, chauffeur, our financial adviser, co parent, lover, domestic god/goddess, etc. Of course, our partners can’t be perfect at every one of these roles, but we have an idealistic expectation that they will be. We might find ourselves being overwhelmingly frustrated if our partner leaves dishes in the sink, the toilet seat up, or forgets to kiss us goodbye. Obviously, we wouldn’t get into an argument with a friend over these omissions. If we treated our friend harshly, they’d just stop being our friend. But when it’s our partner, we can quickly get angry and voice our dissatisfaction - sometimes quite hurtfully.

The reason we react so strongly? - This is the person we have committed to spending our one and only life on this planet with. We become anxious that this lack of perfection means we have not chosen wisely in the partner stakes. We start to think we are not going to have the ideal life we expected and deserve. Sadly, we can focus on the shortfalls of the other person and our negativity about the relationship grows and grows. We can start to think that our partner has ruined our life!

Fundamentally, we have idealized our partner. We think so highly of them, that any small sign that is not in line with this idealized image, fills us with anxiety as we fear we’ve made a mistake!

Making repairs

When we start to feel the mean monster rising, we should try to remember that we HAVE NOT chosen a life partner who is incompetent and flawed. DO NOT blame them for not being perfect, not being able to make the bed the way you like, not being on time every time, for not liking the Netflix channel you do. Your partner is doing the best they can, like everyone else in the world. But your partner is not perfect, just as you are not. And remember always how hard YOU sometimes are to be with, how demanding YOU can be, and how less than perfect YOU are. Let’s face it – YOU’RE not always easy to be around! If you think YOU are perfect, you are most probably ….. sadly mistaken.

Why else might we keep hurting the ones we love?

Of course idealization may not be behind every situation. Here are some other reasons:

1. The Trust and Safety Parado x says that when we’ve developed considerable trust in our relationship, we feel safe to speak our mind without censorship. Love allows us to share our true selves, our inner most emotions, and show who we really are to those that we sincerely love. We reveal things to our partners and loved ones that we would never fully share with others for fear of judgement. We trust that we don’t need to hold back with our words or actions, and that we will still be accepted. Paradoxically, this love makes us feel safe enough …. to sometimes be horrible in what we say!

2. Displacement occurs when we project our feelings relating to one situation, onto those closest to us. For example, when we come home from work after a bad day and yell at our partner or the kids, displacing our frustrations about the day onto our undeserving loved ones.

3. Self-sabotaging happens if we feel we’re not worthy of love. We might start to thinking it's better to end the relationship ourselves before our partner decides they don't want us.

4. Control issues may cause us to intentionally hurt others as a means of regaining our sense of power within the relationship. If we’re feeling our partner is making all the decisions, or we are not being heard, we may be hurtful in an attempt to reinstate the normal balance of power.

5. Reciprocation is sometimes behind hurt. If our partner has hurt us, we might attempt to hurt them to get even.

6. Attachment styles (developed in childhood) can cause us to try to recreate the relationships we witnessed and experienced when we were young. Most children heavily influenced by parental role modelling. If our parents were hurtful to each other, we may be perpetuating this.

7. Independence may be a need we can’t shake. This can cause us to put a wall up as we try to maintain emotional distance. We can push our partner away by being hurtful if we fear the relationship is getting too close.

8. Boundary testing is another cause. We can do this to try to get clarity on how solid the structure of the relationship is and how safe we are within it. (It’s the emotional equivalent of farting in bed.)

Hope

Yes, sometimes we do hurt the ones we love, those that are closest to us. But positive relationships can be achieved if we become more conscious and mindful about why we’re doing it. If we take a closer look at the reasons behind our behaviour, thoughts and feelings, we can develop more effective ways of meeting our needs, ways that don’t jeopardize our relationship and inflict pain on those we love. The first step is awareness, we can then find ways to minimize the hurt and protect the people we love most in life.

Please visit Relationship Issues for more information about how counselling can help.

Stuck Adrift

Sun, 20 Nov 2022 11:18:16 GMT

How to Save Yourself

Imagine you wake up and you’re alone, in a small rowboat in the middle of the ocean – no land in sight, nothing familiar. You feel hungry, tired, sunburnt, and…. scared. What do you do? Give up and wait to die? I hope you said “No”. But what DO you do? My advice would be to start rowing – or try these 10 life saving tips!

1. Identify your goal

In this case I’m guessing it might be “LAND”! Think about what it looks like and smells like. What’s it like to touch? Imagine what it will be like when you get there, what you’ll say, who you’ll see, what you’ll do. Picture as much detail as you can. Then imagine what it will feel like emotionally – that sense of relief, the happiness, the excitement to see others, to know that you’re alive! When you imagine what your goal feels like, you’re tying your emotions to it, and emotion is the thing that will drive you to take action and to succeed.

2. Listen to your gut

When you’re not sure which direction to take, it’s time to follow your instincts – not those negative voices of gloom and doom. Often logic and reason can lead to successful outcomes, but sometimes you need to tune into your intuition, and go with the decision that makes you feel excited and powerful. That’s the path that will fill you with hope and motivation, the one that you know in your heart is right for you.

3. Take the first step

In this case pick up those oars, point yourself towards home, and row. Just one little row, then take a breather, then another row, then a breather. Take it easy but steady. With each little step you’ll build momentum, both physically and mentally. You’ll get faster and stronger as you realise you can in fact reach your goal. Each little step takes you closer to safety and home.

4. Use your strengths

You got through life so far by using your many unique talents, skills and abilities. Use them now! If you’ve cared for your body, you can use your physical health to move forward. If you’re a clever person, you can use your intellect to navigate the tide and refine your stroke to be more effective. If you’re creative, maybe you can design a better oar. Use whatever your strengths are to move you forward.

5. Feed your emotions

Emotion is a powerful source of strength. But you need to ensure that emotions are working FOR you, not against you. Line up all the good ones, focus on them and encourage them to push you on. Emotions like hope, adventure, love, pride, faith, peace, gratitude, wonder, joy, contentment, curiosity….. whatever makes you stronger. The more you concentrate on these emotions, the bigger they’ll get. If your head is full of positive emotions, there is no room for negativity and fear.

6. Behave like you’ve succeeded

Like Dr Phil says, “You choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences.” In our rowboat, if you choose to play dead, you’ll die! Why not behave like a master seaman, an action hero on an adventure, the Captain of the Starship Enterprise, a gold medallist training for the Olympics! You’ve got a far greater chance of making it to safety if you pretend, you’re a winner. Yes – fake it until you make it!

7. Remember there’s a world out there

Think about how you’re going to re-join it. You’re going to return to that big crazy world again and be a part of society. That feeling you’ve had of insignificance will be replaced with a sense of belonging when you realise you’re going to be a valuable member of a community again. You’re going to find your tribe, the people you belong with! You won’t be alone.

8. Know that external support exists

Remember there are people looking out for you – trying to get help to you. Maybe family and friends, or maybe support services who are skilled at helping people who are lost. Think about who you can turn to when you need help. Reach out. It’s not a weakness to ask for help, it’s actually a strength. By accepting help from others, we show that we trust them and this can greatly improve our relationships. People want to help you, some because they love you, some because it’s their job, and for some it boosts their own self-esteem to be doing something good for others. For whatever reason, know that you just need to ask (In a rowboat that’s not so easy… but work with me on this one).

9. Fill the void

Keep yourself occupied as you move towards your goal. Use your imagination, play games, create things – keep busy. In fact, you should keep SO busy that there’s no time to worry about things. Of course, the void needs to be filled with things that you enjoy, or you know are productive. If you think about it, there are so many things you’ve wanted to do or try in life, now’s the time! If you can’t realistically do them right now, start planning when you’ll do them.

10. Grow into your body

Yes that’s right – you need to get physically bigger!

Sit up straight (like they told you at school). It makes you stronger physically and mentally. Try it now! See! Breathe deeply – fill that space deep down in your belly. Now you’re putting oxygen in your lungs and blood stream. You’re not only changing how your body feels and functions, but also how your mind does as well. There is so much research that demonstrates the strong link between physical and mental wellbeing – it’s undeniable. Stand up straight, walk tall (maybe not in this rowboat). Make yourself bigger not smaller in life.

What do you think?

Do you think any of these tips are helpful in a rowboat? What about in life? If you feel like you’ve stopped living and you’re just existing, it can be like you’re stuck adrift on an ocean of emptiness. You might feel like you want to get excited about life again, but it feels hopeless. Right now the problem may seem very complex….. but maybe the solution is simple.

Those people that succeed in life – they just do it! They take one little step, and they just keep going. If you’re reading this maybe you’re at the point where you know you must do something. You might be feeling stuck in life right now but don’t give up on yourself. No matter how hard it seems, how futile it feels – you need to find your way home. You’ve got to find YOU again!

Can't say "No"?

Sun, 20 Nov 2022 11:05:51 GMT

Do you find yourself always committing to things because you don’t like saying “No” to people?

You’re not alone.

Saying “Yes” can become a pattern that’s hard to break.

Why’s it so hard?

The Wheel of Life

Sun, 20 Nov 2022 10:47:41 GMT

A Four Step Self-Assessment Exercise

Sometimes we all need to take a step back and take a good look at our lives. Maybe you’re feeling that something is missing, something is making you feel uneasy, or maybe you just don’t feel satisfied with what you’ve got. Let’s put our lives under the microscope to get a more solid idea of where we are, and where we want to make some improvements.

The Wheel of Life is powerful exercise because it gives you a clear visual illustration of the where your life currently is, and identifies where you’d ideally like to make some changes. It enables us to view our life through 8 different (and important) dimensions:

Finance
Health
Friends
Love
Leisure
Home
Career
Personal Growth

Follow the four steps below to get a better understanding of how these areas are measuring up to your own expectations.

Step 1: "Me Time"

Give yourself 30 minutes of “Me Time”. This requires no distractions, no phones and giving yourself permission to just focus on YOU for a change. Download the FREE template at the bottom of this page (or draw it yourself).

Step 2: Reflect

Reflect on how life is for you right now in relation to each of the 8 aspects of life. For each area, give yourself a score from 0 (no satisfaction) to 10 (extremely satisfied!). Mark these scores on your Wheel of Life.

To assist in this task, ask yourself the following questions:

Finance: Are you earning enough income to satisfy your current needs? Are you satisfied with where you are financially? Are you worrying about money? Maybe you’re someone without much, but that’s ok? How satisfied are you with where you’re at?

Personal Growth: How focused are you on personal growth? Are you satisfied with your direction? Are you trying new experiences and seeking to learn new things? Have you grown to your full potential as a human being?

Health: How physically healthy are you? Are you satisfied with your level of fitness? Are you satisfied with your diet, amount of exercise, sleep? Are there health issues you think you should attend to?

Friends: Do you feel you have enough people around you? Are your friends supportive of you? Are you engaging with friends and socializing to your satisfaction levels? Do you feel you need more connection in your life?

Love: Do you feel loved? How often are you expressing love to others? Is your relationship where you want it to be? Maybe you’re still looking for a partner?

Leisure: Are you enjoying your life and making it fun? Are you happy with the amount of social activity and recreation you have? Are there new things you want to try? Do you enjoy yourself?

Home: Is your family supportive of you? Are you supportive of your family? Is home somewhere you look forward to being? Or is it sometimes a place of stress and conflict?

Career: Is your career where you want it to be? Are you heading in the right direction? Are you happy in your job? Would you rather be doing something else? Maybe you’re lucky and love where you’re at!

It maybe that you value other aspects of your life also. If this is the case, please add these to your Wheel of Life. You might consider such areas as:

Self-Image: Do you respect and love yourself? Do you appreciate yourself? Do you recognize your own abilities and strengths? Do you know how fabulous you are?

Contribution: Do you feel you’re giving back to others around you or the world in general? Are you satisfied with your contribution to society?

Spirituality: How connected are you to your inner and outer world? Are you satisfied with your relationship with your spiritual self or your God?

Step 3: Tally your scores

Join up your scores around The Wheel and colour in the space between each spoke. The new perimeter represents your personal Wheel of Life.

Step 4: Review

Examine your Wheel. What sort of shape is your Wheel in? Is it fairly balanced and will therefor roll pretty easily throughout life? Or is it a bit uneven and giving you a bumpy ride?

You don’t need to get 10’s in every aspect of life, but things go much more smoothly when the areas are more even. Reflect on what areas need attention? Start thinking about actions you can take (in these specific areas) to ensure a less bumpy journey through life.

Now what?

This exercise gives you a great snapshot of your current situation and helps you see what parts of your life can do with a bit of TLC.

Next you need to create a specific plan to take action. And having completed your Wheel of Life – you’ve made a brilliant start to living the life you truly want!

9d4458d7

What is Coercive Control and Why Does It Matter?

What is Coercive Control?

With domestic violence reports on the news every week now, we’re hearing the term coercive control more often. Let’s be honest, some of us just aren’t sure about what it is and why it’s dangerous. Here we examine how it shows up, the impacts it can have, and how to get help.

It’s A Crime

What Behaviours Constitute Coercive Control?

Coercive control involves a range of behaviours aimed at making a person dependent on their abuser. This may be by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence, and regulating their everyday behaviour. It can show up in various forms, including:

How Do You Recognise Coercive Control?

﻿

What’s the Impact of Coercive Control?

Coercive control often leaves invisible scars. Unlike physical abuse, which can leave visible marks, coercive control is a destructive form of abuse that chips away at a person's sense of self, autonomy, and dignity. Below are some of its major impacts.

Psychological and Emotional Impact:

Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse that can lead to severe mental health issues. We can often experience anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and a pervasive sense of fear. This constant manipulation and control can lead to:

(Read more about "How Does Abuse Affect Mental Health" by clicking here .)

Social Isolation

﻿

Economic Abuse and Dependence

Impact on Children:

Children who grow up in environments where coercive control is present are also deeply affected. They may experience:

Long-term Effects:

The long-term effects of coercive control can linger long after the abusive relationship has ended. Survivors often face a long road to recovery, which may include:

What Can You Do If You Suspect Your

Being Coercively Controlled?

Where to get Help

In The End

Know that you are not alone, and there are support services and professionals ready to help you through this. If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, take a courageous step and reach out for help – you deserve a better life where you can feel safe, happy and free.

To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here . Or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry .

Is Everyone Having More Fun Than Me?

Is Everyone Having More Fun

﻿ Than Me?

Why Do We Think Others Have More Fun?

From a psychological perspective, several factors contribute to this perception:

Self Comparison:

One factor contributing to our negative evaluations of our social lives could be our tendency to compare ourselves, not against a typical cross-section of the population, but against the most readily available examples – social media and television.

Availability Bias:

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Social Comparison Theory:

Need for Connection:

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Societal Norms:

Life Experience:

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In The End

Best Tip - Enjoy the fun times you’re having and forget about what everyone else is doing!

Life is short. Live it well.

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How To Find The Silver Lining In Negative Situations

How To Find The Silver Lining In Negative Situations

The Benefits of Embracing the Bad Stuff

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The Dark Cloud of Negativity Bias

Negativity bias is our inclination to focus on the negatives around us more than the positives. During our day we may have many good experiences, but our negativity bias can cause us to focus just on the one thing that happened that felt bad.

Strategies for Finding the Positives

Finding Meaning:

Cognitive Reframing:

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Practicing Gratitude:

Seeking Support:

Than Me?